I guess a new title is in the near future

So, I'm preparing to leave Oz, hopefully for good. Yesterday I turned 26, and celebrated by having lunch at the kids' school, and signing them out early so we could hang out. The ex and I argued all day via text, but I was very surprised when he attempted to make lunch plans together. The kids and I had a great time, they were so excited to show me their school, and introduce me to people there. We had a blast at the park, and I was really determined to not let anything ruin my day. When we got home, it finally got to me... he was just ignoring me and staying out of my way by that point, and as angry as I was, that hurt. I guess I just really wanted him to still be my friend, to wish me well, to acknowledge me.

I got that wish when I broke down in tears, and it came with a hug, and some conversation. I've never felt so desperate for something as I did that moment, just an overwhelming need to be held, to be close to someone. I got my wish, we hung out through out the evening, and I actually felt ok sleeping in the same bed again. I can honestly say I was mentally begging him to touch me, just put his arm around me, all night, but when I went to bed, I had given that thought up. Surprised again, he did reach over, for the first time in weeks, to pull me closer to him. It felt like a drink of water in the desert... and we all know where this is going. Honestly, we both hesitated, although my hesitation was clouded by my mind screaming "Please touch me!!!" That's pathetic, I know, but true nonetheless.

So, I went into it, even in the moment, knowing it didn't change anything, and I thought I was ok with that. But when I was thinking that, it was on the grand scale, like this doesn't mean we are getting back together, or even that I want to, and that's fine. I took it as we can at least enjoy whatever is left, and this will make things a little LOT less miserable while I'm still here. I mean, given the choice between sharing the same space and being so miserable I want to kill myself, or sharing the same space and enjoying each other's company, it's a no-brainer, right?

Wrong. I didn't realize how different I was seeing it. I took that intimacy to be an olive branch, and to indicate we would be able to be affectionate with each other in the last days of our time together. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean it to be, but we are going to live half a country apart, and will probably never really talk again after I leave. So... I thought maybe this meant we would make the most of it. I feel like I'm dying every time he's near me, and I can't lay my head on his lap, or have him kiss my forehead. The little things that I wanted more of, but didn't appreciate in the first place. Now, he hasn't done anything wrong, really... He hasn't made me feel like he just wanted to get off, and I was there. He hasn't been cold, or mean, or anything like it was for the past couple of weeks. He just hasn't been the snuggly, cuddly person he was 24 hours ago either. I'm a fucking idiot for thinking anything otherwise though, because that really isn't how our relationship was to begin with, and it's a major part of why we broke up... I needed more of the touchy-feely stuff than he did. I actually don't know how he would act right now if I made the first move, and sat next to him, but I haven't because he has been playing a new game he's really excited about. But when I went and rented that game for him today, I also picked up movies, hoping maybe we could watch one together, and that's not happening.

I was really foolish to think things would be great today, as if sex changed it at all. I'm even more foolish because I *really* want to do it again, for both the sexual satisfaction and the closeness of the act. Because even though I know it's a bad idea, after 2 weeks of total iciness to each other, I'm going insane. It's not the same to snuggle with someone else, and I completely shut down at the thought of anyone else in bed, so I totally understand why so many couple have sex after the break up. I'm just surprised I've let it get to me, that's I can't seem to shake off the hurt of the break-up. I went through this with Brian, and the feelings are so similar that I feel nauseous... it took me 2 years to stop feeling that way about him. The ironic part is those feelings for Bri lasted through another long relationship, and didn't dissipate until I started dating Jeremy. I saw Brian a week or so ago, and it was the first time I had seen him since I started dating J, and also the first time I had absolutely NO desire to be with him. Too bad I might face another year or two battling off the residuals of this relationship now.

All said, I just want him to hold me... It calms me like nothing else I can find, and there have been hours at a stretch where I have sobbed, and repeated that statement like a mantra. Whispering to myself, begging him to just put his arms around me. I haven't really dealt with the fact that he doesn't want to anymore. That he doesn't want me anymore. I just don't know how.

Well, so I thought...

I honestly thought I had hit a low when writing my last post, but things just keep getting worse!! He dumped me, and the honest truth is, all I wanted was affection. So, instead of giving me affection, he decided he couldn't meet my needs, and the best way to handle it was to dump me. Really, our entire relationship played out in times of high stress, and we probably didn't have a chance because of it. But... we had agreed when we started dating that we would walk away friends, no matter what. When I had tried to call it off (and to cancel our trip to Alpine because I didn't think I could afford to go if I had to find a place to live on my own) he kept telling me I wasn't keeping my word of remaining friends. Now it's him who is saying "Fuck you" to that idea.

Let me give credit where credit is due... he hasn't thrown me and the kids out on the street. He has, however, made my life so miserable that it's a battle to make it through each day. I could move back to Junction to live with my best friend, but I don't want to change the kids' school only to change it again when we move out of state, which I am hoping is very soon. The few friends who know what's going on have all said I should just move out now, because changing schools may suck, but me being so depressed and angry is definitely worse for them. I tend to agree, but this whole situation sucks, and it will suck no matter what I decide. I'm selling pretty much all of my earthly belongings, because I can only take what I can fit in my truck, with 2 kids, a dog and a cat, since it doesn't have a tow hitch. That is supremely depressing, because after nearly 10 years on my own, I have acquired some nice things, and will have to start all over again. The plus side is I will be able to store the stuff I can't part with, but can't take, at Miah's, until (god knows when) I can come back and get it.

I've put in the SOS calls to all the appropriate people, my ex-husband is asking his parents for help, my grandmother is giving me whatever help she can, and Miah has gone so far above and beyond the call of duty that I would nominate him for sainthood if I could. I'm lucky enough to have a few people in this world who love me and my children unconditionally, but I don't know if that is going to be enough.

There is more going on, but that's the big stuff. Don't get me wrong, I made my mistakes in the relationship, and there were a lot of outside factors that really hurt us, but the bottom line is I fell for him, he didn't feel the same, and yet he let me totally screw myself and the kids by calling it quits right after we moved in, and went on vacation together. This has absolutely been the worst month of my entire life, and that's including a very difficult divorce and custody battle. Happy fucking birthday to me.

A record low

It's official, I've hit a total record low. Lovely, entertaining thoughts of throwing myself off the dam. Now, before you (in the off chance someone stumbles upon this) go emailing me the suicide hotline number, I'm not actually going to do it, it's just a nice thought at this point. It seems that everything deserves more attention than I do. NCAA 2008 DEFINITELY gets more attention, I have to listen to how the computer-generated recruits respond to his recruiting, as in "Watch how this makes him smile!!" as he offers them a guaranteed championship. I get to listen to him ask the cat how he's doing, and offer snuggles to him, while he tells me he'll come to bed as soon as his week 1 of the game is over. It's 0120, he just got into bed to watch sportscenter, which DEFINITELY gets more attention than I do (I certainly don't get his undivided attention multiple times a day, and it's not me he wakes up to and falls asleep to), but I can't tell you the last time he stayed up until 0100 on a work night to just hang with me. I don't understand why he doesn't just kick me out, it would hurt less. I'm jealous of a cat, an Xbox game, and a TV show, because I don't even get a percentage of the attention he gives those things. I'm so fucking lonely, and so miserable, I just want to spend a year in bed, because my dreams are way more interesting than my miserable fucking life.

So many things that eat away at my mind...

Where do I start? Isn't that always the hardest part... getting the ball rolling? Well, I'll start with the facts. I'm depressed. Genuine, bona fide depression, the kind that makes it hard to get out of bed each morning, and almost impossible to fall asleep each night. I'm already on anti-depressents, and they can't be adjusted, because I have no health insurance. So, I've resigned myself to just being miserable. It's going to get worse soon, because the fall always has that effect on me, I hate the cold weather and shorter days.

Why am I feeling this way? The reasons could take up an entire notebook, it seems. I won't sit here an list them, because it would only make me feel worse, but I figured I could get some things off my chest here, knowing the person behind them won't ever come here and read them...

I feel completely worthless lately. I moved in here with him because our plan to get a place in a new town didn't pan out, the stress of finding a place, new employment, making the move, and our trip to WI proved to be too much, and he offered to have us (the kids and me) move in here, rather than have a breakdown of astronomical proportions. I appreciated it, since I had moved out of my place in preparation of moving out of town, and basically had no where to go with my kids. In hindsight, these are horrible circumstances under which to move in together. To make matters worse, I quit my miserable job right before we went to WI, and haven't been able to find another yet. So the cycle goes, because I am so depressed I don't want to try, and even more depressed that I am not contributing to the household income.

Let's talk about the real issues since moving in together... the ones that are the underlying factor in every argument. I told him I love him, and he doesn't feel the same way. That's not really an issue, because he cares about me (or at least says he does) and I figure if the feelings are meant to happen, they will in their own time. The problem is he doesn't convey any emotions towards me, and it has made me completely self-conscious. I know it sounds stupid, but I just want him to tell me I look nice (he's only said that once in 6 months) or that he appreciates me, or I'm sexy, SOMETHING along the lines of a compliment. When I compliment him, I get no response, and I can't remember the last time I felt truly attractive or wanted.

We talked about it last night, because once again, I tried to come on to him, hoping he would show some interest in me, and it blew up in my face. He's tired, and we've been fighting, so he just wanted to get along for a day, I tried to entice him into sex, and humiliated myself. I put it all out there, explained that I didn't want sex so much as I wanted attention, told him how I was just dying for him to say something nice about me, even admitted that it was pathetic to have my self-esteem tied up with someone else, but that I couldn't help it. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Imagine admitting to someone you care so much about that you have no self-esteem, and pretty much begging them to compliment you, pay attention to you, soothe you. I'm supposed to be this strong, independent woman, and I'm sniveling like a spoiled child.

I don't even like myself, how can I possibly make this man love me? I have been in relationships where the other person is constantly begging for attention, and always showering me with affection, and it's a huge turn-off. Yet now I understand why they were doing it... and I hate myself for doing the same thing. Of course, I don't see any solution, because the more pathetic I become, the less he is going to want to be with me, which will only make me more pitiful and desperate. Now I'd kill for the attention my exes lavished on me, which only makes me more humiliated... I'm an attention whore.

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. It's like a great trainwreck that I cannot stop or even give warning about. I've wanted to be with him for so long, pretty much as long as I have known him. And now that I have him, I'm fucking it all up, and it's all out of control. To add insult to injury, he has a mind that never forgets a single fuck up, so even though he can move past my mistakes, I can't because I know he remembers every detail of them. Pity and self-loathing are the dishes of the day, and they make for horrible, bitter meals. It's no wonder I'm so depressed.

It's crazy, thinking, knowing that the world is round

How to know I have no good title? When I resort to lyrics...

So, after over a year of not even opening this page, I decided it was time to start writing again. Mainly because I have thought about it multiple times, but lately I've had a severe increase in panic attacks, and writing was one way to keep that crazy under control. My life continues to be a roller coaster, and maybe that's the only way I know how to do it. My children are doing so well, on all fronts. They are these amazing creatures that make my heart burst and my brain spin, and somehow I know that even though they were born when I was so very young, it was the single best decision I have ever made. They are such a driving force, on days like today when I'm ready to throw in the towel, they become my reason for taking my next breath. They went to Nebraska Sunday night, and will stay there for the summer. If we get our plans figured out, they may stay with family for a few months, so I can leave Oz (I guess I will need a new title for this site, maybe I'll go back to my original one, "A Peek Into My Insanity"), and that is the most difficult decision I have ever made. It's really the only feasible way for me to go back East though, without being terribly disruptive to school and life for them. It's going to be amazingly hard though, I've never been away from them for very long, and lately time with them has gotten so precious, because soon they will hate me. That makes the thought of losing this time very painful.

So when I logged in today, I read my last few posts, and realized my boyfriend had made it to my blog long before we had ever even looked at each other as more than friends. I found that to be pretty cool, although it validates something he teased me about way before we got together... I did have a crush on him for a long time. We did end up going to that DMB show last year, and this year we are making what is almost a pilgrimage for us... we're going to East Troy, WI to see 2 days of DMB at Alpine Valley. It's not the Gorge, but it's as close as we will get right now. I could say a lot about him and what he means to me, but I'm almost afraid I'll jinx the whole thing.

Work... do I even want to go there? I guess I probably should, since it is currently the reason for about 97% of my stress. I left my old job because I just got tired of being treated like we didn't matter, the management staff was just treated like we were sub-human so much of the time. I went to a call center closer to my house, it has been the worst experience of my life. I would actually go back to being shit on at my old job (which is saying a lot) if I could. I was offered a position on a new team to work on a special new project. I was chosen along with 5 other people because we were the "best of the best" at what we do. Last week was the first week working on our new tasks, and by the end of the week I had inadvertently pissed off the rest of the group. So, all the tension led to me having a couple of panic attacks right on top of each other today, leaving work at lunch time, and I'm pretty sure I'm leaving the team on Monday.Considering one of the other people was a friend of mine, and she was the one the most upset with me, I texted her tonight to apologize and let her know I was stepping down because of it. She is a natural peacekeeper, and has been trying to tell me everything is ok, etc, but it's not. It just sucks all around, and makes me want to leave this state that much more.

I have a lot to say, it's just all swirling in my brain right now, so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit soon. Welcome back to my insanity...

And...

I'm still not really doing anything write-able. Honestly, this blog has pretty much seen it's last days, there was a point in time where I had a bunch of regular readers, and now I have only a couple that stop by once in a while, thanks to my lack of writing and having to move my site because of the ex. I may just wait and see if the urge to write comes back, but I make no promises. I hope everyone is doing well, one of these days I'll log into bloglines, stop by, and catch up.

I hate moving!!

I'm so tired of moving it's not even funny. And I get to do it all over again in 6 months! Ugh!!! The house we moved into has very little storage space, something my old house had plenty of, so I've tossed/donated/given away a ton of stuff, with more to go. Of course, it couldn't go smoothly, I can't get DirecTV installed at the new house, because there is no direct line of sight. Now I have to cancel my contract and sign up for cable, and I have no TV for Sopranos and Entourage tonight. I'll be watching it at a friend's house, provided I get the rest of the cleaning and moving finished.
On the relationship front, my ex-boyf has officially pissed me off. We've been on good terms through the break-up, and I've desperately wanted to keep our friendship together. It's kinda hard to do so when someone is constantly acting like the world revolves around him. I'm done caring so much for someone who cares so little for me, it's not worth it... The sad thing is my friends have been trying for months to point out that obvious fact, and I refused to see it. *sigh* Otherwise, life is good, I'm stressed out, but have been enjoying spending time with friends and I'm so ready for summer.

Yum!!

I watched Jackass 2 last night, and I have to admit I have a huge crush on Bam Margera. Of course, I was watching it with a friend who was quick to point out that Bam got married. Still, those eyes... so gorgeous!!!
On a separate celebrity note, it's no big secret that I'm a huge fan of Dave Matthews Band. There is another manager at work that is also a huge fan, has seen more shows than I have, has about a million t-shirts, etc. We have a competition between our teams for stats, and I joked that I would bet him tickets to the next show. Well, I had missed the Warehouse announcement, they scheduled an August show in KS, the only one in this area. He told me just in time to go onto Warehouse and reserve my tickets before the early reserve period ended. Anyway, he brought a huge CD book to my office a few minutes ago, and it is filled with possibly the best collection of DMB EVER. I want this book!!!!
Ok, that is all.