A record low

It's official, I've hit a total record low. Lovely, entertaining thoughts of throwing myself off the dam. Now, before you (in the off chance someone stumbles upon this) go emailing me the suicide hotline number, I'm not actually going to do it, it's just a nice thought at this point. It seems that everything deserves more attention than I do. NCAA 2008 DEFINITELY gets more attention, I have to listen to how the computer-generated recruits respond to his recruiting, as in "Watch how this makes him smile!!" as he offers them a guaranteed championship. I get to listen to him ask the cat how he's doing, and offer snuggles to him, while he tells me he'll come to bed as soon as his week 1 of the game is over. It's 0120, he just got into bed to watch sportscenter, which DEFINITELY gets more attention than I do (I certainly don't get his undivided attention multiple times a day, and it's not me he wakes up to and falls asleep to), but I can't tell you the last time he stayed up until 0100 on a work night to just hang with me. I don't understand why he doesn't just kick me out, it would hurt less. I'm jealous of a cat, an Xbox game, and a TV show, because I don't even get a percentage of the attention he gives those things. I'm so fucking lonely, and so miserable, I just want to spend a year in bed, because my dreams are way more interesting than my miserable fucking life.

So many things that eat away at my mind...

Where do I start? Isn't that always the hardest part... getting the ball rolling? Well, I'll start with the facts. I'm depressed. Genuine, bona fide depression, the kind that makes it hard to get out of bed each morning, and almost impossible to fall asleep each night. I'm already on anti-depressents, and they can't be adjusted, because I have no health insurance. So, I've resigned myself to just being miserable. It's going to get worse soon, because the fall always has that effect on me, I hate the cold weather and shorter days.

Why am I feeling this way? The reasons could take up an entire notebook, it seems. I won't sit here an list them, because it would only make me feel worse, but I figured I could get some things off my chest here, knowing the person behind them won't ever come here and read them...

I feel completely worthless lately. I moved in here with him because our plan to get a place in a new town didn't pan out, the stress of finding a place, new employment, making the move, and our trip to WI proved to be too much, and he offered to have us (the kids and me) move in here, rather than have a breakdown of astronomical proportions. I appreciated it, since I had moved out of my place in preparation of moving out of town, and basically had no where to go with my kids. In hindsight, these are horrible circumstances under which to move in together. To make matters worse, I quit my miserable job right before we went to WI, and haven't been able to find another yet. So the cycle goes, because I am so depressed I don't want to try, and even more depressed that I am not contributing to the household income.

Let's talk about the real issues since moving in together... the ones that are the underlying factor in every argument. I told him I love him, and he doesn't feel the same way. That's not really an issue, because he cares about me (or at least says he does) and I figure if the feelings are meant to happen, they will in their own time. The problem is he doesn't convey any emotions towards me, and it has made me completely self-conscious. I know it sounds stupid, but I just want him to tell me I look nice (he's only said that once in 6 months) or that he appreciates me, or I'm sexy, SOMETHING along the lines of a compliment. When I compliment him, I get no response, and I can't remember the last time I felt truly attractive or wanted.

We talked about it last night, because once again, I tried to come on to him, hoping he would show some interest in me, and it blew up in my face. He's tired, and we've been fighting, so he just wanted to get along for a day, I tried to entice him into sex, and humiliated myself. I put it all out there, explained that I didn't want sex so much as I wanted attention, told him how I was just dying for him to say something nice about me, even admitted that it was pathetic to have my self-esteem tied up with someone else, but that I couldn't help it. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Imagine admitting to someone you care so much about that you have no self-esteem, and pretty much begging them to compliment you, pay attention to you, soothe you. I'm supposed to be this strong, independent woman, and I'm sniveling like a spoiled child.

I don't even like myself, how can I possibly make this man love me? I have been in relationships where the other person is constantly begging for attention, and always showering me with affection, and it's a huge turn-off. Yet now I understand why they were doing it... and I hate myself for doing the same thing. Of course, I don't see any solution, because the more pathetic I become, the less he is going to want to be with me, which will only make me more pitiful and desperate. Now I'd kill for the attention my exes lavished on me, which only makes me more humiliated... I'm an attention whore.

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. It's like a great trainwreck that I cannot stop or even give warning about. I've wanted to be with him for so long, pretty much as long as I have known him. And now that I have him, I'm fucking it all up, and it's all out of control. To add insult to injury, he has a mind that never forgets a single fuck up, so even though he can move past my mistakes, I can't because I know he remembers every detail of them. Pity and self-loathing are the dishes of the day, and they make for horrible, bitter meals. It's no wonder I'm so depressed.

It's crazy, thinking, knowing that the world is round

How to know I have no good title? When I resort to lyrics...

So, after over a year of not even opening this page, I decided it was time to start writing again. Mainly because I have thought about it multiple times, but lately I've had a severe increase in panic attacks, and writing was one way to keep that crazy under control. My life continues to be a roller coaster, and maybe that's the only way I know how to do it. My children are doing so well, on all fronts. They are these amazing creatures that make my heart burst and my brain spin, and somehow I know that even though they were born when I was so very young, it was the single best decision I have ever made. They are such a driving force, on days like today when I'm ready to throw in the towel, they become my reason for taking my next breath. They went to Nebraska Sunday night, and will stay there for the summer. If we get our plans figured out, they may stay with family for a few months, so I can leave Oz (I guess I will need a new title for this site, maybe I'll go back to my original one, "A Peek Into My Insanity"), and that is the most difficult decision I have ever made. It's really the only feasible way for me to go back East though, without being terribly disruptive to school and life for them. It's going to be amazingly hard though, I've never been away from them for very long, and lately time with them has gotten so precious, because soon they will hate me. That makes the thought of losing this time very painful.

So when I logged in today, I read my last few posts, and realized my boyfriend had made it to my blog long before we had ever even looked at each other as more than friends. I found that to be pretty cool, although it validates something he teased me about way before we got together... I did have a crush on him for a long time. We did end up going to that DMB show last year, and this year we are making what is almost a pilgrimage for us... we're going to East Troy, WI to see 2 days of DMB at Alpine Valley. It's not the Gorge, but it's as close as we will get right now. I could say a lot about him and what he means to me, but I'm almost afraid I'll jinx the whole thing.

Work... do I even want to go there? I guess I probably should, since it is currently the reason for about 97% of my stress. I left my old job because I just got tired of being treated like we didn't matter, the management staff was just treated like we were sub-human so much of the time. I went to a call center closer to my house, it has been the worst experience of my life. I would actually go back to being shit on at my old job (which is saying a lot) if I could. I was offered a position on a new team to work on a special new project. I was chosen along with 5 other people because we were the "best of the best" at what we do. Last week was the first week working on our new tasks, and by the end of the week I had inadvertently pissed off the rest of the group. So, all the tension led to me having a couple of panic attacks right on top of each other today, leaving work at lunch time, and I'm pretty sure I'm leaving the team on Monday.Considering one of the other people was a friend of mine, and she was the one the most upset with me, I texted her tonight to apologize and let her know I was stepping down because of it. She is a natural peacekeeper, and has been trying to tell me everything is ok, etc, but it's not. It just sucks all around, and makes me want to leave this state that much more.

I have a lot to say, it's just all swirling in my brain right now, so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit soon. Welcome back to my insanity...

And...

I'm still not really doing anything write-able. Honestly, this blog has pretty much seen it's last days, there was a point in time where I had a bunch of regular readers, and now I have only a couple that stop by once in a while, thanks to my lack of writing and having to move my site because of the ex. I may just wait and see if the urge to write comes back, but I make no promises. I hope everyone is doing well, one of these days I'll log into bloglines, stop by, and catch up.

I hate moving!!

I'm so tired of moving it's not even funny. And I get to do it all over again in 6 months! Ugh!!! The house we moved into has very little storage space, something my old house had plenty of, so I've tossed/donated/given away a ton of stuff, with more to go. Of course, it couldn't go smoothly, I can't get DirecTV installed at the new house, because there is no direct line of sight. Now I have to cancel my contract and sign up for cable, and I have no TV for Sopranos and Entourage tonight. I'll be watching it at a friend's house, provided I get the rest of the cleaning and moving finished.
On the relationship front, my ex-boyf has officially pissed me off. We've been on good terms through the break-up, and I've desperately wanted to keep our friendship together. It's kinda hard to do so when someone is constantly acting like the world revolves around him. I'm done caring so much for someone who cares so little for me, it's not worth it... The sad thing is my friends have been trying for months to point out that obvious fact, and I refused to see it. *sigh* Otherwise, life is good, I'm stressed out, but have been enjoying spending time with friends and I'm so ready for summer.

Yum!!

I watched Jackass 2 last night, and I have to admit I have a huge crush on Bam Margera. Of course, I was watching it with a friend who was quick to point out that Bam got married. Still, those eyes... so gorgeous!!!
On a separate celebrity note, it's no big secret that I'm a huge fan of Dave Matthews Band. There is another manager at work that is also a huge fan, has seen more shows than I have, has about a million t-shirts, etc. We have a competition between our teams for stats, and I joked that I would bet him tickets to the next show. Well, I had missed the Warehouse announcement, they scheduled an August show in KS, the only one in this area. He told me just in time to go onto Warehouse and reserve my tickets before the early reserve period ended. Anyway, he brought a huge CD book to my office a few minutes ago, and it is filled with possibly the best collection of DMB EVER. I want this book!!!!
Ok, that is all.

Ouch!!

So, I spent my Saturday evening with some friends, who had ordered crabs from Maryland. My hands are all kinds of cut up from the shells. Yeah, yeah, I know... cry me a river, right?
It was funny though, because we all work together, and the husband is actually one of my employees. They have great kids, all girls, and had been threatening them all week long with my presence, as in "You'd better clean up this house, Daddy's boss is coming over!!!" You gotta love that, I know I'd use it if given the chance. (Mental note: make plans to hang out with Jerry.)
Today was a ridiculous day at work. My team is great, we always have a good time, but on holidays there are often long periods of availability (no calls coming in) that leave us to entertain each other. This can be dangerous, and today it included people walking into walls, falling on the floor, laughing until we cried, and just generally acting quite unprofessional. I'm glad senior management is not in the building on weekends.
Last, I watched the season premier of Entourage, and will watch The Sopranos in and hour and a half (HBO west is great, since Sopranos and Desperate Housewives are conflicting on the DVR). I'm so hooked on all 3 shows, I can't believe Sopranos is ending! After this, it'll be hard to convince myself to pay for HBO just to see Entourage, no matter how much I love the show. Mmmmm, Adrian Grenier.

Hello!

Sorry for the hiatus, it's been insane here. My ex-husband was sentenced to prison, reduced in rank and pay while in prison, and a bad conduct discharge, so things are finally over with that hellacious experience. Honestly, I look back through my archives, and see happy times, a person who was not the man I faced in court last week. It's depressing, because he had me so fooled, had so many people fooled. I spent a total of 21 hours over 2 days at his court martial, testifying multiple times and having to defend my credibility in front of senior-ranking officers. I'm glad it's over.
Life is busy here, the kids are still giving me a run for my money. We were on the way to the grocery store today when Madison said she wanted her black blanket. I told her no, it was at home, to which I got a resounding "Duuuhhhh!!!" Wait a minute. You're FOUR, you're not allowed to have that attitude! That kid is going to give me grey hair.
My laptop is screwed up, it's currently with a co-worker who does IT work, I'm hoping he can retrieve my data off of it if it needs to be formatted. There are all kinds of pictures on there that cannot be replaced, and I was too dumb to back up. I feel so naked without my laptop!!
Well, I need to get ready for a get-together with some friends, and get my house cleaned up. Fun stuff, I'm telling you... never a dull moment.

Again **STICKY POST! Scroll down for new stuff!**

So, if you go make a donation and this charity is one of the 6 charities involved that receives the most donations between now and the end of March, Kevin Bacn's organization, SixDegrees, will match it every donation. Think about how much good that can do. MajorDad already has $800 raised, think about how much just that $800 will do, and how much more we can do by just donating $10 or $20 (or more) to this wonderful cause. Let's put a little perspective on life here... I spent $30 on a carton of cigarettes for the week. So, for something that can kill me, I'll pony up the money, what kind of jerk would I be if I didn't give some money for a GOOD cause? Before you buy that latte at Starbucks, or order in for lunch at work, consider skipping the indulgence, and making a difference in someone's life. The badge below is MajorDad's, so I'd like to see the donations rising!!



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Hey there

I'm still alive, just been busy getting divorced, finding a new place to live, etc. It's been a long few weeks. The kids' are with their aunts in Nebraska, I don't know how their dad's sisters ended up in Nebraska (we're all from the East Coast), but I'm REALLY glad to have some of their family nearby. I was considering moving back to FL, but decided to stay here for a while longer, and am about to sign a lease on a house in the town where I work.
Ok, so one of the cool things about having this blog for the last 2.5 years is that I get cool stuff from time to time, to try out and review. So, I got a great package from Keri lotion, I'm really picky about my lotion, so I was hesitant when giving the new shea butter lotion a try. I must say it's awesome! I've been using it for about 2 weeks, and I'm a big fan. I used to use the 4 butter lotion from Bath and Body Works, and I have to say that the Keri is just as fab, and a third of the price.
The other was one of my favorite foods, cereal. Nature's Valley is about to release a cereal version of their yummy granola bars. I hate to admit it, but I ate the whole box in less than a week. By. Myself. Now I'm craving it, and it's not in stores yet, at least that I can find. Seriously, I'm going to buy out the store as soon as they are stocking it.

Ding, dong...

The bastard is dead... at least to me. My divorce was finalized Thursday morning. It's funny, the divorce took less time than the courthouse wedding. So, after I testify against him in his court martial, that man will forever be out of my life, and my childrens'. So, as you can imagine, I'm celebrating tonight...

So...

I'm in the middle of apartment/house hunting, and trying to get caught up on the rest of the things I've been putting off lately. Of course, the kids make life interesting. I dyed my best friend's hair, and the kids slept at her house since it was already bedtime when I started the dye job. The next morning, Mads woke up and said "Miss Tasha, is my mommy coming over?" Tash told her yeah, but not until after work. Her reply? "Well she needs to fix you're hair, it's yellow!!" Um, thanks Mads, what a compliment!
My poor boy has been sick, started complaining of a sore neck yesterday. He has a fever, too, so my first (over-reacting) thought was meningitis. Of course, I'm terrified to take him into the hospital, because they will need to do a spinal tap to check for it. I don't really think that's what it is, but what if?
Other than that, it's life as usual. This weekend is going to suck, because of the time change. I love knowing spring is around the corner, and warm weather is on the way, but the whole "spring forward" thing kills me.
One thing to look forward to is the KS NASCAR race (September), I'm planning on going again this year, with a co-worker. I was just beginning to think I wouldn't find anyone to go with, but he's never been to a race and wants to, so it's going to be my bday present to myself. YAY! Now I just need to stay healthy long enough to not eat all my sick and vaca time up.
I'll be posting soon with a couple reviews, since the cool free stuff fairies have bestowed a few nifty things upon me. A kick ass cereal, and some Keri lotion (I haven't tried that one yet, just got it today), I'm a happy girl.

Hectic

Things are hectic right now to say the least. I'm going to be moving in a few weeks, so hunting for the right place is fun. *eyeroll* I'm actually going to have a roommate, which should be interesting. It works out well for both of us, but it's been a long time since I've lived with anyone I wasn't dating or related to.
Otherwise, it's been mostly work, trying to get healthy again (talk about a shitty month!), and other boring stuff that has left me with NOTHING to write about. I'll think of something soon, hopefully!

Mental Jukebox Selection

Do It Anyway~ Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk anyway
love em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway


Something about this song struck me, and it's been stuck in my head all evening. I guess it's a good reminder to keep pushing through all the hard times in life, though.

Normalcy

I hadn't been in my house 10 minutes tonight when the MP investigators were knocking at my door. They are looking to violate asshat on his bail, and a few other things, as well as telling me to get a restraining order so he'll have to hand over his handgun. I found his site, and his girlfriend's, which were created with the sole purpose of bashing me. It's funny, because they claim I denied being married (albeit separated) and dating someone else. And they are so certain I'm not single, I'm lying to all of you to get sympathy, and I've made up all of the harassment stuff. So, I'm amused by their hypocritical crap, and how absolutely ridiculous they are. I've wasted enough of my site's space on him, I'll only be posting on him from here on out if there is a major change.
So, today was a rather strange day. Every manager freaks out on the last day of the month, because we have quotas that have to be met. This month, I was done already, so I spent part of the day at the dentist, and the other part just doing random stuff. I have a to-do list sitting on my desk for tomorrow, to tie up loose ends before the weekend, but really, I was one of the only relaxed people around today. The pain meds didn't hurt, I'm sure, everyone kept commenting on my good mood, which may have been affected by the painkillers the dentist had given me.
I'm really happy with most of my life right now. I certainly wish the drama with my ex was over, and justice was served there, and of course, I'm still a bit heartbroken over B, but in general life isn't so bad. A week or so ago I couldn't say that, but I've realized this week that I have good friends, a good job, 2 healthy kids, and the basic things I need in life. That's not such a bad deal.

And that's done...

I just went through over 275 post that had tags on them that would be easily Googled. I'm SO glad that the tags weren't on all of my posts, because I'm nearing 1K. In the meantime, my new digs may not be as nice as my old ones, and my sidebar is sadly bare, but it will have to do for now. My privacy was being violated, and I was getting cruel and harassing comments thanks to my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I'll be re-vamping the site soon, and hopefully now that I'm not censoring myself, I'll be posting more. In the meantime, I never got to post pictures of my first NASCAR race, because I didn't want to piss the STBEH off. I got to attend the Kansas City race last October, and sit 12 rows off turn 4. It was an awesome time, Kasey was on the pole, although he spun out right in front of us with about 6 laps to go. I even got to drag B's Yankee ass along, to everyone's surprise.

Jeff Gordon being pushed behind the wall


The starting line, pre-race


Dale Jr walking to his racecar


Kasey on the pole!

Just an update *edited*

You'll notice that the comments by my ex-husband (and people claiming to just be posting from his house, apparently he has lots of roommates, or multiple personalities) have been deleted. His IP address has also been banned, since there are already pending harassment charges against the moron who doesn't understand the concept of "Don't contact me." I am working with his unit and the military police to stop the harassment, but I am likely moving my site to another address soon. If I decide to do so, you will need to email me for the link, or leave a comment here with your email address letting me know you would like the new link. I apologize for that inconvenience, and hope those of you who I've gotten to know here will continue to read my new site.

The definition of harassment, for those too stupid to understand it.

**Edited: If you post an anonymous comment, regardless of content, it will be deleted. I'm tired of this bullshit. And to the anon who left the comment about me having a boyfriend, actually, I do not, I'm quite single. You're buddy Nate, however, has been seeing a pothead named Courtney for quite some time, and is screwing around with a few other people. So before you attack me, get the facts right. And if you have something to say about my parenting, say it to my face. You obviously know enough about me to know where I live, so you are welcome to be an adult and stand behind your words. Otherwise, don't bother, because your comments will not be approved on this site.

Drama, Drama, Drama

My life is full of it, never a dull moment. It's getting old, and god knows I'll be glad to be rid of it. No wonder I'm so exhausted, who wouldnt be? But, I have some wonderful friends, both IRL, and online, that have been so great, so concerning, and for that I'm grateful.
Tonight was one of those mommy moments that made me feel like maybe I can do this after all. The power went out on the whole block during story time. My best friend lives a street away, and called to see if it was the whole neighborhood, which it was. The kids had opened all of the glowsticks I had for power outages, so it was emergency candles and my cell phone to light the way. My son was distraught, he's afraid of the dark, so I crawled into bed with him, and my princess on the other side of me, and we all fell asleep. Every once in a while, they are so cute it makes me think I might survive parenthood.

Again, please go to MajorDad's, and contribute to this very worthy cause. If you doubt for one moment the importance behind this fund, take a look at the conditions in Walter Reed, the most prestigious name in Army medicine, and how many of our soldiers leave medical care with the bare minimum of tools needed to survive after their war injuries.

Hey, I'm alive!!

I'm recovering, and am able to actually have some kind of social life now, as well as get my house together, and spend time with my kids other than laying on the couch while they watch movies. That's a vast improvement.
I just found out one of my good friends had an emergency appendectomy in Kuwait. Poor thing, she's had the worst year, a broken foot that took the better part of a year to heal, then as soon as she was cleared to start running again, a broken toe. Then, just before she headed north into Iraq, wakes up with appendicitis. Yuck!! But she's fine, as far as I can tell, and will be back in action in a couple weeks. I think all of the Catholic medallions her roommate has might be better served handed over to her! His family had a medallion for just about every Saint who is remotely involved with military or dangerous work blessed and sent to him, to the point that he joked he couldn't accept any more, he'd be weighted down by religion. Pass those along to Meegs, B, she needs all the protection she can get!
On that note, head over to MajorDad's and DONATE to the Soldier's Angels fund. They provide voice activated laptops for soldiers who have lost the use of their hands. I only ask y'all to donate to a case about once a year, so take a moment, be generous, and make a difference in the lives of soldiers who made a huge sacrifice for your freedoms.

So...

I'm pretty much still out of commission, becuase I'm more exhausted than I ever thought possible, and that includes having twin infants. Other than trying to sleep every chance I get, I've been working my ass off to get caught up, and dealing with a bunch of other drama in life. Nothing too interesting to write about. The kids are doing well, keeping me on my toes as usual.
How about some news? Marcia Cross (Bree Van DeKamp on Desperate Housewives) gave birth to twin girls. They weren't due until April, but are reported to be doing fine. Hopefully she'll be back on the show soon. Of course, we all know CrazyBritney shaved her head and checked into rehab again, then out again. Apparently, rehab is a one day process. There is still a ton of violence in Iraq, particularly Baghdad, which scares the hell out of me since a lot of my friends will be in Baghdad soon. The KS senate passed an anti-picketing law for funerals, in response to the asshat church whose members were protesting at military funerals. The world's youngest preemie went home, born at just under 22 weeks gestation. So, there you go, caught up on news for now.