Swiffer Amazing Woman update

Grace made it to the semi-finals, but didn't make the top 10. :( I was so heartbroken, because she TOTALLY deserves to be in there!!! She, of course, took it gracefully (no pun intended), but I was all "BUT HALF THOSE PEOPLE ARE JUST AVERAGE PEOPLE!!!" And we all know Grace is ANYTHING but average!!! So... congrats to the finalists, and go over and tell Grace how she got ROBBED on that one, because she's TOTALLY amazing!

Idiot of the Week 4/3-4/9/2006

Subtitled: It's only Wednesday, and we have a winner already!!

MajorDad (See?? We actually DO agree on stuff from time to time!!) nominated Cynthia McKinney, a Congresswoman from GA for Idiot of the Week, and I think we have ourselves a winner!! Here's the Cliff Notes version of the story. Ms. McKinney is a black Congresswoman from GA. She apparently thinks every Capitol Police officer should know who she is, because, you know... there are only a COUPLE people in Washington, DC at any given time. So, in true DIVA form, she shows up late, without her lapel pin indicating she is a Congresswoman, and therefore allowed to bypass the security checkpoints. A Capitol Police officer stopped her (HIS JOB!) because of the circumstances, and she assaulted him. (She alleges he assaulted her first... time will tell, I'm sure there are security videos) She then holds a press conference with a couple of black celebs at a traditionally black college, saying this was a racial profiling thing, and it only happened because she's a black Congresswoman, etc. Charges may follow, we'll have to wait and see.

Ok, Ms. McKinney, let's chat. You see, the Capitol Police are there to PROTECT CONGRESS (that includes you, so show a little gratitude). They don't have the time or NEED to memorize everyone's face, that's why they give you the nice little pin for your lapel, which you admittedly were not wearing. I'm sure there are other ways to ID yourself as a Congresswoman (hell, I'm just an Army wife, and I have a DoD ID I have to show all the damn time) so the LOGICAL and NORMAL thing to do would be to IDENTIFY yourself in a calm fashion, rather than rush the checkpoint like you owned the place. When the officer DID HIS JOB, and stopped you, you could have CALMLY explained and identified yourself, and it would have been easy as pie. Instead, you chose to assault an officer of the law, which would have gotten most of us arrested on the spot, so I can't believe you are trying to claim you were treated unfairly because of your race. Are you a little slow or something?? Almost 5 years ago our nation was attacked by terrorists, and DC was one of the targets. Be grateful someone is always looking out for YOUR safety. Oh, and I don't know why you were running late, but it certainly wasn't because you were doing your hair. If you are a representative of your people, the least you could do is look presentable, rather than looking like a crackhead who just came down off a binge with Whitney and Bobby.

In case anyone thinks I'm being a little harsh here, this woman has a record of DIVA actions. She actually demanded an apology from Clinton's administration in 1998 after being stopped by White House guards. She's a total idiot. The NAACP and NOW both spoke on her behalf in this recent incident, I've lost what little respect I had for both of those organizations now. You might be thinking "But you're a woman?? How can you not support NOW?" Well, I think if you want to play in a man's world, you'd better act like a man, be it female soldiers, female cops, female Congressmen, or any other woman in a male dominated field. If you can't hang with the big dogs, stay on the porch. NOW enables these women to whine and bitch about unfair treatment, when in reality they want SPECIAL treatment just because they are women, and that's bullshit.

So, a big hat tip to MD on this one, you found the winner!!

Head start on IotW this week

Our first couple of nominees are in, thanks to Snopes.com Daily Snopes.
First up we have a nudist who got burned after trying to light a spider on fire. Dude... you're naked. Maybe you shouldn't play with fire while your balls are swinging in the wind. Just a thought!! And while I respect your right to be a nudist, I can't understand the thinking behind it. Balls are not pretty. Ever.

The second nominee is a woman who clearly NEEDED to be in the anger management class she lost her shit at. "Hi, this is the real world calling. It's generally not ok for adults to throw tantrums like that. Perhaps you should look into some medication, heavy sedatives might be a start." Threatening to pop a cap in someone's ass for asking if a seat is taken is just crazy. It says in the article she doesn't have any mental illness, just a behavior problem. No, REALLY??

So, it's looking like a good week for our little "contest". Any more idiots in the news? You know what to do.

Meme Monday: Sex Chronicles

This was stolen from Ammie, and out of all the memes today, this was the most interesting... LOL I guess my mind is just in the gutter!! Anyway, if you are related to me, or easily offended, you might want to look away... don't say you weren't warned.

1. How old were you the first time? Um, do I have to be honest? 15

2. Name of your first? Bill

3. Good or Bad? Horrible. We had dated for like 6 months, finally did the deed, and his Catholic guilt got the best of him, he cried. Um, wow... that was not good at all. Besides, we were both virgins, how good could it possibly be??

4. Name of the worst and why? Hmmm... I'd better not name names. I will say he really just had no idea what he was doing, and was experienced enough that he should have. *wink* If you know me well enough, ask me sometime, and I'll spill the beans, just not here.

5. Name of the Best and why? Like Ammie, I'm going to say my husband (and not just because he reads this!!). That boy is good... he's got some talent. ;)

6. Weirdest place you ever had sex? Weirdest? In a car, while he was driving. Probably not so much weird as DANGEROUS!

7. Favorite position? Haha, not telling

8. Ever fake an Orgasm? Yes

9. Would you admit it if the person asked? I've admitted it even when they didn't ask... but not always.

10. Favorite time of day to have sex? Late night

11. Most times you have had sex in one day? 6 or 7 haha!!

12. Same person? Come on now, what kind of question is that? And if it wasn't would I admit that?? But yes, it was.

13. Ever fantasize about someone other than the one your with? Sure, sometimes, but not WHILE I'm with him. I'm married, not DEAD.

14. Restrictions during sex? (I'm leaving Ammie's original answer here, because I couldn't have said it better myself!!) Do you mean restraints? Because I like restraints. If you mean limits to what is allowed–very few.

15. Accessories? They have their own drawer... that's all I'll say about that.

16. What? I'll never tell!! That's priviledged information. ;)

17. Done it in the rain? Yep.

18. Done it in a car? See number 6

19. Had a Threesome? I'll never tell!

20. Want to have sex now? Not RIGHT now... haha!!

Aren't you glad you now know more about me than you ever wanted to? Hey, get over it... we all have sex, who cares??

If you steal it give me a trackback so I know to come find you.

Idiot of the Week 3/27-4/2/2006 AND Idiot of the Month for March

Well, laziness (ok, and some Corona) prevented me from searching any more for IotW nominees, so the winner is the dumbass who landed the plane at the wrong airport. MD pointed out (and N confirmed) that this actually happened at Ft. Hood, someone landed a commuter plane on Hood Army Airfield by accident (obviously this was pre-9/11). How this can possibly occur is still beyond me, I mena I'm not a pilot, but don't you have to get clearance to land?? You can't just drop a plan out of the sky any old place you feel like it (barring emergencies). *sigh*

The winner of Idiot of the Month goes to... the guy who left his baby in the car and got on a commuter train. I need to work harder at this IotW thing, because going back LatteMan has given me most of my nominees, and I'm sure I'm missing out on lots of stupidity every day. In the meantime, is anyone other than LatteMan paying attention? There are lots of idiots, people! I can't keep up with all of them! Email or comment with anything you find that is particularly award-worthy!

Why I am a HORRIBLE blogger

Oh, let me count the ways...
Well, I checked my statcounter (something I used to check daily, if not more) tonight for the first time in a couple weeks. Still getting the usual perverted search hits (you want to do WHAT with your mom??)
I am finally uploading to Flickr again, something I'm horrible about... I was actually prompted because she added me as a friend ("Oh, yeah... I have a Flickr account!! And FRIENDS there!"), and I felt oh so special, like I'd met a celeb. Remind me to go buy her a margarita when I get back to TX, just so I can get her autograph.
I swear to all things Google that I AM reading your sites, even if I don't comment. Bloglines has made me lazy. Actually, the people who get the most comments from me are the ones who only have previews in their RSS feeds. If I have to click the link to read the rest, I comment. Hmmm... how do I make that happen for my feed? I could use more visitors. (see above)

However, I am considering making this up to the blogging gods by attending a certain convention this summer, which I dare not mention by name, lest my plans get shot down before they even leave the ground. Let's hope money and time will allow, and I will get to meet all the cool kids, not to mention hang out at Chez Grace, AND see MY CORI! In the meantime, I'll try to come up with something brilliant to dazzle all of you AND visit comment on your site this weekend. If I don't, blame Corona... it's all their fault.

On an unrelated note, I am so. fucking. bored. Really. BORED. I mean ready to beat my head in my keyboard.

Idiot of the Week nominees

I've found one so far today, but feel free to let me know if you've seen anything exceptionally stupid in the news. For now, we have the pilot who landed an airliner at the wrong airport. A military airport at that. "This is your captain speaking. We will be making our final descent into uh... well, whatever that place is with the bright lights. Thank you for flying Dumbass Air." Listen, you're a PILOT. This is what you do for a living!! I would think at least ONE of the requirements to get this job is a SENSE OF DIRECTION! Besides, don't they have nice little gadgets and stuff in the cockpit to tell you where the hell you are going? And where were the guys in the tower?? Don't you think someone would say "Hey, dipshit, you are at the wrong airport, and are certainly NOT cleared for landing??" WTF?!?!
We also have the moron who took his pet snake for a drive, only to have the snake wrap around his neck, and cause him to crash. Duh... I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time??

Mother Nature

Wow, I am dumb-founded. Having twins tends to draw a lot of attention, but this set of fraternal twins is amazing. Once again, this proves we just can't keep up with mother nature...

Ragtag Army

We are the wealthiest nation in the world, but at the moment our Army looks like the most ragtag bunch ever. You see, we're currently transistioning from BDUs (Battle Dress Uniforms) to ACUs (Army Combat Uniforms). So, let's take Ft. Riley as our example. Some soldiers are in BDUs, the camo green uniforms that most people associate with the military. Others have just come back from combat, and are in DCUs (Desert Combat Uniforms), the tan uniforms that we have used in desert wars of past. The DCUs are worn with no-shine tan boots, while the BDUs are worn with the shiny black boots. Some soldiers in BDUs are authorized by their units to be wearing the tan boots with the BDUs, which looks retarded. Even more variations are now in play, because we're switching to ACUs, which will be the full time uniform for all of the Army. So, pretty much? No one coordinates... AT ALL. To make it even more interesting, all of the gear, like helmets, flak jackets, and such are in the green woodland pattern of the BDUs, so regardless of what uniform you are wearing, your gear is BDU colored. All in all, this transitional stage is much like growing out your bangs, it looks awkward and is a total pain in the ass! It's a nightmare for a Virgo like me, I need things to MATCH! Some pictures for those of you who aren't military related, so you can understand what I mean.

ACUs on left, BDUs on right


DCU pattern

Complete laziness

Motivation? Got none... I mean NONE. I finally did wipe up the inside of the fridge, because it was really grossing me out, and did a little clean-up in the kitchen, but other than that, I am so unmotivated. It doesn't help that I've been coughing so hard I think I may have knocked a few organs loose, I'll never need to do crunches again after this cold. I REALLY need to get the house cleaned, but it's so much easier to just sit here and be lazy on the laptop. Nate sent me to bed at 7 last night, because I was so miserable and whiny. I am the poster child for assisted suicide, or at least high doses of morphine for the common cold. There is only so much whining someone can take, before they consider strangling their spouse... and by 7pm N had reached that point. Of course, the Nyquil wore off before midnight, and I spent 2 more hours trying to get back to sleep. Gah... I wonder how much it'll cost to call a maid for the week.

It wouldn't be as funny if it wasn't true

This was sent to me today by my friend Amy, and I about fell out of my seat laughing.

Dear Kotex,


I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of
"Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:


* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.

* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.

* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products


Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a
functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that
drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what
happens and report back. I'll wait.


While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate
from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will
be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for
living on feminine hygiene products. Veteran females have already concocted
their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already
purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a
girl running to the Always brand.


Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not fun,
but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery
cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put it in a plain brown
wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in
among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a
blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the
store. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your . . .


Ovarily Yours,

Miss PMS

If I find

The person who gave me this damn chest cold, I'm killing them. I'm talking slow, painful torture, then death. In the meantime, I'll be the one on the couch, coughing until my ribs break.

Pimping

These guys are friends of the hubs, and a pretty damn good rock band. I'm trying to help pimp them out, so they can get on Warped Tour. Go listen to the song here, if you like it, let it finish (votes don't count unless you let it finish.) They're huge in Texas and have been featured by Budweiser, on Dish Network and DirecTv, have toured with some major rock groups, and are trying to finally get the major recording label deal they deserve.


I have NO idea why the links aren't tan like they are supposed to be, but scroll over to highlight them, and give them a click!!!

Making Monday better

Buzz managed to perk my Monday up when I saw last week's Eye Candy Friday post. Hmm... Lisa Kudrow, Colin Farrell (meh... not my type), Adriana Lima, and then....



Thank you, Buzz... that was like a fresh Starbucks being handed to me! YUM!

What?!

It's Monday already?? What?! But it was just Friday, like 5 minutes ago!! This bites, I hate Mondays! Oh well, at least I read some blogs this weekend, I was more than a little behind. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

MajorDad's Rebuttal

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Idiot of the Week 3/20/06-3/26/06

LatteMan came to the rescue with the winner of Idiot of the Week. Man parks car, gets on train, forgets baby in the car. Anyone want to take a guess how long his wife will be making him sleep on the front porch?? "Hmmm, got my wallet, briefcase, cell, keys, PDA... yep, good to go!! Yet, it feels like I'm forgetting something. Oh well... off to work!!"
Yes folks, we have a clear winner here!!

BUSY

I didn't even get a post up for idiot of the week yet, so if anyone had any suggestions, please leave them in comments. We've been quite busy, with some work/personal problems, dealing with idiots and liars is always fun. Anyway, um... yeah... I am not ignoring you, I'm trying to keep up with the million cool blogs I read, but dammit, 24 hours in a day is not enough!! Anyone figured out how to clone me yet???

Some food for thought

Cori emailed me this link, definitely a thought-provoking piece.

Complete Bullshit

Wow, that sure was fast. They convicted Sgt. Smith of 6 of the 13 counts of abuse he went on trial for. He's here at Riley, which I was unaware of when I wrote my previous post (I guess I should read the post newspaper more often) and I really wish I could go see him, shake his hand, and tel him how sorry I am that the system fucked him. He'll be sentenced later today, this should be interesting. You know what chaps my ass the most in this case? September 11th terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui has been in custody forever now, and the crimes he committed were in 2001. We STILL can't seem to get his trial moving at any kind of decent speed, they are trying to delay it, trying to drop charges, trying to call the FBI liars to get him off on conspiring in the biggest mass murder in US history. However, a soldier lets his dog scare a couple of terrorists, and we convict him in less than 18 hours of deliberation. That, my friends, is BULLSHIT. What have we become if we can't punish killers, but we can ruin the lives of those defending our freedom from said killers?? Oh, and for those of you who haven't been paying attention to the news this week, Bush has asked us to look past the bloodshed in Iraq and see the good happening there. I guess the 2,219 US soldiers dead as of right now is a small price to pay, especially when we are doing such wonderful things as convicting our soldiers of abusing terrorists in WAR. I mean, didn't you get the memo?? We're supposed to invite them to tea and krumpets, and ask them to pretty please tell us when they plan on killing us. DUUUUHHHHHHH!