It's crazy, thinking, knowing that the world is round

How to know I have no good title? When I resort to lyrics...

So, after over a year of not even opening this page, I decided it was time to start writing again. Mainly because I have thought about it multiple times, but lately I've had a severe increase in panic attacks, and writing was one way to keep that crazy under control. My life continues to be a roller coaster, and maybe that's the only way I know how to do it. My children are doing so well, on all fronts. They are these amazing creatures that make my heart burst and my brain spin, and somehow I know that even though they were born when I was so very young, it was the single best decision I have ever made. They are such a driving force, on days like today when I'm ready to throw in the towel, they become my reason for taking my next breath. They went to Nebraska Sunday night, and will stay there for the summer. If we get our plans figured out, they may stay with family for a few months, so I can leave Oz (I guess I will need a new title for this site, maybe I'll go back to my original one, "A Peek Into My Insanity"), and that is the most difficult decision I have ever made. It's really the only feasible way for me to go back East though, without being terribly disruptive to school and life for them. It's going to be amazingly hard though, I've never been away from them for very long, and lately time with them has gotten so precious, because soon they will hate me. That makes the thought of losing this time very painful.

So when I logged in today, I read my last few posts, and realized my boyfriend had made it to my blog long before we had ever even looked at each other as more than friends. I found that to be pretty cool, although it validates something he teased me about way before we got together... I did have a crush on him for a long time. We did end up going to that DMB show last year, and this year we are making what is almost a pilgrimage for us... we're going to East Troy, WI to see 2 days of DMB at Alpine Valley. It's not the Gorge, but it's as close as we will get right now. I could say a lot about him and what he means to me, but I'm almost afraid I'll jinx the whole thing.

Work... do I even want to go there? I guess I probably should, since it is currently the reason for about 97% of my stress. I left my old job because I just got tired of being treated like we didn't matter, the management staff was just treated like we were sub-human so much of the time. I went to a call center closer to my house, it has been the worst experience of my life. I would actually go back to being shit on at my old job (which is saying a lot) if I could. I was offered a position on a new team to work on a special new project. I was chosen along with 5 other people because we were the "best of the best" at what we do. Last week was the first week working on our new tasks, and by the end of the week I had inadvertently pissed off the rest of the group. So, all the tension led to me having a couple of panic attacks right on top of each other today, leaving work at lunch time, and I'm pretty sure I'm leaving the team on Monday.Considering one of the other people was a friend of mine, and she was the one the most upset with me, I texted her tonight to apologize and let her know I was stepping down because of it. She is a natural peacekeeper, and has been trying to tell me everything is ok, etc, but it's not. It just sucks all around, and makes me want to leave this state that much more.

I have a lot to say, it's just all swirling in my brain right now, so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit soon. Welcome back to my insanity...