A record low

It's official, I've hit a total record low. Lovely, entertaining thoughts of throwing myself off the dam. Now, before you (in the off chance someone stumbles upon this) go emailing me the suicide hotline number, I'm not actually going to do it, it's just a nice thought at this point. It seems that everything deserves more attention than I do. NCAA 2008 DEFINITELY gets more attention, I have to listen to how the computer-generated recruits respond to his recruiting, as in "Watch how this makes him smile!!" as he offers them a guaranteed championship. I get to listen to him ask the cat how he's doing, and offer snuggles to him, while he tells me he'll come to bed as soon as his week 1 of the game is over. It's 0120, he just got into bed to watch sportscenter, which DEFINITELY gets more attention than I do (I certainly don't get his undivided attention multiple times a day, and it's not me he wakes up to and falls asleep to), but I can't tell you the last time he stayed up until 0100 on a work night to just hang with me. I don't understand why he doesn't just kick me out, it would hurt less. I'm jealous of a cat, an Xbox game, and a TV show, because I don't even get a percentage of the attention he gives those things. I'm so fucking lonely, and so miserable, I just want to spend a year in bed, because my dreams are way more interesting than my miserable fucking life.

So many things that eat away at my mind...

Where do I start? Isn't that always the hardest part... getting the ball rolling? Well, I'll start with the facts. I'm depressed. Genuine, bona fide depression, the kind that makes it hard to get out of bed each morning, and almost impossible to fall asleep each night. I'm already on anti-depressents, and they can't be adjusted, because I have no health insurance. So, I've resigned myself to just being miserable. It's going to get worse soon, because the fall always has that effect on me, I hate the cold weather and shorter days.

Why am I feeling this way? The reasons could take up an entire notebook, it seems. I won't sit here an list them, because it would only make me feel worse, but I figured I could get some things off my chest here, knowing the person behind them won't ever come here and read them...

I feel completely worthless lately. I moved in here with him because our plan to get a place in a new town didn't pan out, the stress of finding a place, new employment, making the move, and our trip to WI proved to be too much, and he offered to have us (the kids and me) move in here, rather than have a breakdown of astronomical proportions. I appreciated it, since I had moved out of my place in preparation of moving out of town, and basically had no where to go with my kids. In hindsight, these are horrible circumstances under which to move in together. To make matters worse, I quit my miserable job right before we went to WI, and haven't been able to find another yet. So the cycle goes, because I am so depressed I don't want to try, and even more depressed that I am not contributing to the household income.

Let's talk about the real issues since moving in together... the ones that are the underlying factor in every argument. I told him I love him, and he doesn't feel the same way. That's not really an issue, because he cares about me (or at least says he does) and I figure if the feelings are meant to happen, they will in their own time. The problem is he doesn't convey any emotions towards me, and it has made me completely self-conscious. I know it sounds stupid, but I just want him to tell me I look nice (he's only said that once in 6 months) or that he appreciates me, or I'm sexy, SOMETHING along the lines of a compliment. When I compliment him, I get no response, and I can't remember the last time I felt truly attractive or wanted.

We talked about it last night, because once again, I tried to come on to him, hoping he would show some interest in me, and it blew up in my face. He's tired, and we've been fighting, so he just wanted to get along for a day, I tried to entice him into sex, and humiliated myself. I put it all out there, explained that I didn't want sex so much as I wanted attention, told him how I was just dying for him to say something nice about me, even admitted that it was pathetic to have my self-esteem tied up with someone else, but that I couldn't help it. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Imagine admitting to someone you care so much about that you have no self-esteem, and pretty much begging them to compliment you, pay attention to you, soothe you. I'm supposed to be this strong, independent woman, and I'm sniveling like a spoiled child.

I don't even like myself, how can I possibly make this man love me? I have been in relationships where the other person is constantly begging for attention, and always showering me with affection, and it's a huge turn-off. Yet now I understand why they were doing it... and I hate myself for doing the same thing. Of course, I don't see any solution, because the more pathetic I become, the less he is going to want to be with me, which will only make me more pitiful and desperate. Now I'd kill for the attention my exes lavished on me, which only makes me more humiliated... I'm an attention whore.

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. It's like a great trainwreck that I cannot stop or even give warning about. I've wanted to be with him for so long, pretty much as long as I have known him. And now that I have him, I'm fucking it all up, and it's all out of control. To add insult to injury, he has a mind that never forgets a single fuck up, so even though he can move past my mistakes, I can't because I know he remembers every detail of them. Pity and self-loathing are the dishes of the day, and they make for horrible, bitter meals. It's no wonder I'm so depressed.