Pain Chart, and more

Whenever you go to the doc, they ask you to rate your pain on a pain chart of 1-10. This always bugs me, because I've been in labor, therefore the meaning of pain is different for me now. Anyway, Dave over at Blogography has a revised version of the pain chart, as well as Insanity chart, and a "How much of a dick are you?" chart.
Go, check it out, but be warned, it's really NSFW.

Meme: Random Questions

Snagged from MajorDad, here are 57 questions, more than you ever needed to know about me.

1.What time did you get up this morning? Um, 4:30am... thanks Chris! Mental note, turn off cell phone at night.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Curious George

4. What is your favorite TV show? Desperate Housewives

5. What did you have for breakfast? eggs and sausage burritto

6. What is your middle name? Jennifer

7. What is your favorite food? Depends on my mood...

8. What foods do you dislike? Oh, lots of things, I'm picky!

9. What kind of potato chips do you like? Sour Cream and Cheddar

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Hmmm, I just make new mixed CDs, so

11. What kind of car do you drive? 2002 Dodge Grand Caravan

12. Favorite sandwich? turkey and cheese on honey wheat

13. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance, ignorance, and indecisiveness

14. Favorite item of clothing? push-up bra, goes with everything. LOL

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Somewhere warm. An island for sure.

16. What color is your bathroom? Well, the full bath is in light blue, and the half-bath is in noxious Pepto Bismol pink. AWFUL.

17. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Hmmm... hard to call, right now my favorite jeans are CK.

18. Where would you want to retire? Texas, or an island

19. Favorite time of day? Late night

20. Where were you born? Plymouth, MA

21. Favorite sport to watch? Sixers basketball, baby!!

22. Who do you least expect to answer this? I don't know...

23. Person you expect to answer first? Whoever is bored today

24. Coke or Pepsi? Coke! We don't mention the "P" word in this house!!

25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl, for sure...

26. What size shoe do you wear? 7.5

27. Do you have any pets? Yes, a dog, a cat, and 2 sugar gliders.

28. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone? Not really, it's been life as usual here.

29. What did you want to be when you were little? I have no idea, it changed all the time. Most often, probably a lawyer

30. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full

31. What is your best childhood memory? going to Key West for my mom and (step) dad's wedding.

32. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? babysitting of course, clerk at my family's store/deli, clerk at a chain deli, waitress, bartender, sales rep, customer service rep, MOMMY

33. What color underwear are you wearing? multi-colored

34. Nicknames: Crys, Cryssy, Lil Mama, Lil One, Baby, Mommy

35. Piercings? Lip, eyebrow, tongue

36. Eye color: Blue.

37. Ever been to Africa? Nope.

38. Ever been toilet papering? Yes

39. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yeah

40. Been in a car accident? Yes .

41. Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon bits

42. Favorite day of the week? Friday of course... the possibilities of the weekend are awesome.

43. Favorite flower? Calla Lillies

44. Favorite ice cream? Ben and Jerry’s Choc Fudge Brownie

45. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney

46. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy's, except their fries suck.

47. What color is your bedroom carpet? Actually, it's all hardwood

48. Failed your drivers test? No, although APPARENTLY, I missed the part about parking against the flow of traffic, and got a parking ticket this morning. Nate laughed at me, because it seemed perfectly logical to me to park that way on a residential street early on a Sunday morning.

49. From whom did you get your last e-mail from? Not sure... probably Haloscan.

50. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Ooooh, I'm gonna cheat and say Amazon.com.. Hey, it's a store!

51. What do you most often do when you are bored? Surf around the internet, fill out these surveys.

52. Bedtime? Whenever I fall asleep.

53. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Everyone! I'm nosey!!

54. Last person you went to dinner with? Nate, I'm sure.

55. Lake, Ocean or river? Ocean, all the way!

56. How many tattoos do you have? 2

57. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken

So, there you go... way too much information about me. Who's next??

Randoms...

I should not be allowed to text message while drinking either. It's like drunk dialing, but worse.
I did NOT get to skydive today, because of the rain. :( That sucks.
I have completely lost my ability to remember shit. Seriously, I'd forget my freaking name half the time if I didn't have to show my ID so often.
My driver is starting 38th tomorrow, at one of the best races of the year. I'm bummed. It's Talladega, baby!! (See what happens to Yank when you marry an Indy boy??)

GDF

AudioBlog Removed... Basically, it was me an one of our buddies singing horribly, walking back from the shoppette after picking up more alcohol, and acting like complete idiots. When we were walking TO the shoppette 2 MP cars pulled in, and the only other people in there were the 4 MPs. I'm surprised they didn't warn us for drunk in PUBLIC (hahaha Ron White, anyone?) but I guess they were just happy we were of age and walking instead of driving.

From CENTCOM

Every once in a while I get emails from CENTCOM asking me to post something on my site. Sometimes I choose to, sometimes I don't, but I think this page is worth checking out.
What Extremists Are Saying
This is what is going on in the terrorists circles.

It's GDF!!

I'll actually be drinking (and therefore blogging) at home tonight, so probably no audioposts, but prepare yourself for horrible spelling, poor grammar, and incoherent (more than usual??) babbling. Consider yourselves warned.

Idiots of the Week 4/23-4/30/06 and Idiot of the Month April

Woman Sues After Office Spanking...
The idiots here are the management team that allowed such behavior to happen. I'm all for office comraderie, and can totally take a joke, but I don't see how anyone could think this was a good idea. I hope the woman owns the company by the end of this.

Would-be Bank Robber Finds Himself Locked Inside Bank Alone
If you are going to rob a bank, you might not want to let the sole employee present go outside and wait for another employee. Duh. So, the lady, who had already activated the alarm, walked right outside to the police who were pulling up, and the idiot robber found himself locked in the bank alone.

The Idiot of the month winners are the MO Sextuplet Hoax couple! Nothing this month can beat this idiotic scheme. The best part? The "Dad" has a mullet in the attached photo!!

Called it!

I generally don't cry at movies, as a matter of fact the last movie I remember making me cry was "Stepmom", and I saw that in the theaters. Anyway, I've been dying to see "8 Seconds", ever since I attended a rodeo with N back in 2004, but never got around to it. He told me I'd cry, but I doubted it. I mean I KNEW Lane died, no shocker there. Still, I watched it tonight, and cried my eyes out! I went and researched the real Lane Frost story, to see if the movie was accurate, and it was in some ways, and not in others, but still good. *sigh* So, N was right, and I feel like an sap for crying over a 12 year old movie of which I already KNEW the ending. Pass the Kleenex!

Reynold's Fun Shapes baking cups!!

The cool people at Reynold's sent me some of their new Fun Shapes Baking Cups to try out. I love to bake, so this was right up my alley!! You can actually use these cups for various things, like Jello Jigglers, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and more. Nate used the egg shaped ones first, to make Jigglers for the kids before Easter. The Jello didn't set quite as firm as we'd have liked, but I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with the cups. Anyway, I used the heart shaped ones to make cupcakes, so I can save the stars for 4th of July.



I decided to make devil's food cupcakes with cream cheese icing. Yum!!! You place the foil cups on a baking sheet, fill them halfway (and they warn you not to overfill, they MEAN IT!!), and bake as directed. Sounds easy enough...


I overfilled a couple, since I'm used to filling regular baking cups 2/3 of the way. Even still, they held their shape well, the picture doesn't do them much justice.


The finished product!!


So, here's the scoop... I'm in LOVE! You see, I have baking pans in various shapes and sizes, but there is only so much room in one's kitchen for such accessories. These little baking cups are PERFECT for making adorable treats for any occasion, and Reynold's site has wonderful ideas for yummy creations that will impress all of your guests. I definitely recommend these to everyone, because even the most kitchen-challenged person can make an impressive treat with very little effort. You can even use them as little serving bowls for dips and candies, or to make shaped ice cubes for punch! Oh, and the cleanup? Yeah, washing off one baking sheet beats the heck out of scrubbing the little crevices of shaped pans! This is probably the best new product I've found since the Magic Erasers, and y'all know I worship Mr. Clean for those!

Army Wife

Another email I received that was noteworthy, at least in my opinion....

ARMY OF ONE - I am an Army Wife

I've noticed in my present job, there is a tiny quirk.
There's no respect at all and its not considered work!

Well, I am here to show you another point of view,
and give you an idea of what I really do!

Here's my job description and to better understand,
it's written in the language of the Army Man.

I'm the IG, complaints come to me.
I am the Medic, I bandage skinned knees.

I'm the Legal Office and the courts-martial, too.
I decide the punishment, how much and on who.

I'm Health: Welfare, inspecting for junk,
and the 1SG checking the bunk.

I'm also Supply, in charge of food, clothes,
housewares, diapers, toys, heaven only knows.

I'm the MP who secures the door,
I'm also the PVT who GI's the floor.

I'm the Mess SGT who cooks all the meals.
I'm TMP in charge of the wheels.

I'm MWR planning all the fun
and I am the Bugler, announcing the "day is done".
I'm the KP who does all the dishes,
I am the DA who hears all you wishes.

I'm the CQ and the Fireguard, too,
there isn't that much that I don't do.

I'm the instructor too, you see,
because what is learned is taught by me.

I'm the Squad Leader who knows his troops well,
sometimes the Drill SGT who really can yell.

I'm the S4, S1, 2, 3,
just about everything must come through me.

Appropriations, taskings, commitments too,
I'm responsible for all we do.

I never go to battle, and AR of some sort,
but you can count on me to bravely guard the fort.

I'm ALWAYS on duty, I never take leave,
no Holidays off, it's hard to believe!

I can never ETS, I signed for life,
my primary MOS is Mother, my secondary is Army Wife.

For all my devotion, to duty, my LES says "NO PAY DUE"
because I'm not paid in money, but in the words of 'I LOVE YOU'.

I AM AN ARMY WIFE!

Say what??

This quote came from an article about Angelina Jolie's due date... all I can say is WTF?

"That means anxious shutterbugs can expect another full month of dodging Namibian officials, not to mention Jolie and Brad Pitt's aggressive security goons, if they want any chance of capturing the money shot of the most important and beautiful baby ever to be born, ever." (emphasis mine)

WTF?! The most important and beautiful baby ever in WHOSE eyes?? I think I'm gonna puke.

Idiot of the Week

I forgot to do IotW last week, so I'll award two this week. Any submissions?? Can anyone beat the Sextuplet Hoax for Idiot of the Month? Stay tuned.

Funny

A friend sent this to me, and in light of last weekend, I figured it was appropriate!

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. (I knew, I just couldn't reach it without falling over)

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. (Of COURSE it's the shoes' fault... GD heels!!!)

Grocery shopping was actually EXCITING!

I went to the commissary today, and imagine my surprise when I pulled up and noticed one of Kasey Kahne's race cars was outside. Of course, my camera phone was dead, so I had to get my groceries, take them home, and drive back over to get pictures... I mean it's KASEY KAHNE!! So. Excited!!







Ok, yes... I realize my redneck is showing, but I couldn't help myself!!!

Missing: My sanity

I've officially gone off the deep end. I've agreed to skydive, I would have jumped this past weekend with N if I could. Either way, I was in a fiesty mood, and decided I'm going to do it, now I just have to keep from chickening out. So, if you don't hear from me after this weekend, I've died or am in a vegatative state, send N your condolences.

GDF

I didn't participate in Get Drunk Friday, although I was drunk, at the club. However, the more interesting drunken-ness happened on Saturday, at a friend's house party. You see, I went to pick up another friend, walked in, and immediately did a couple Jager Bombs. I drank 2 Coronas, with a few more Jager Bombs, all within an hour and a half or so. I promptly went to the couch, and laid down, tring not to pass out. I vaguely remember people talking to me, and bits and pieces of what was being said. Then my friend, who was not drinking because he had duty the next day, needed to go home. Well, since I had picked him up, he had no ride, so I told him to drive us to his house. I stood my ass up to get my keys, my purse was on the floor, and everyone at the bar could see me. I fell on my ass trying to get my keys, which prompted a round of "You are NOT driving ANYWHERE!!" until I explained *I* wasn't driving, since I couldn't even STAND (Hello?? I'm not THAT crazy or stupid!!) I promptly passed out at my friend's house, until 8am when one of the guys from the party called me to make sure I was alive. Such a sweetheart, the guy who called me had to look through someone else's phone to find my number, because I hadn't met him before the party, and I was already wasted by then, so I had NO clue who he was. (Of course, N would have checked on me, but he was out cold too...) Still it's nice to have people looking out for you... every once in a while I meet someone who restores my faith in decent people. Just keep me away from the Jager next time, or at least tell me to slow my roll.

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

That is all.

You should see the other guy!

When they told me I could end up with a black eye, I didn't really think it would hapen. However, I was wrong. Do you know how hard it is to pluck your eyebrows when your eye looks like this?? It doesn't hurt too bad, until you start ripping hair out of it... Ah... the price we pay.

Why I should not be allowed to drink and take pictures

Ok, N and I were going through our phones, trying to find a decent picture of me, and came to the conclusion that I cannot drink and have a camera phone. You see, I'm normally pretty camera shy, but when I'm drinking I'm all "Woo!! Let's take a picture together!!!" This wouldn't be a problem, except most of my friends are guys, and those pictures always end being me sticking my tongue out, or snuggling up to them. As N so nicely put it, it's like I see a male friend, and decide to go lick their face and take a picture, or something. So... this basically means I've molested all my friends, and there are no decent pictures of me in either one of our phones. On the bright side, everyone is still willing to hang out and drink with me, so I guess no one's complaining. *sigh*
Here are some examples, with the faces of the innocent blacked out...









And the only one in which I am not drunk... but still, sticking out my tongue...

TMI Tuesday!!

1. Birthday spankings or birthday kisses? Hmmm... both sound like fun!

2. Sitting on Santa/Easter Bunny's lap... fun or creepy? My MIL scarred me with the Mr. and Mrs. Claus outfits, so CREEPY!!

3. Once you start drinking at a party, do you usually get drunk or stop at tipsy? Haha... I usualy get drunk, but tend to stop before I hurl.

4. On a scale from 1-10, how passionate are you? Probably a 9.5/10. I tend to get worked up about things easily...

5. Have you ever seen a burlesque show? No, but I've been to lots of strip clubs!!

Bonus (as in "optional"): Have you ever been to an adult themed tupperware-type party?? No, but I so would go!! I just don't have any female friends around here... all my female friends live on the internet. Can we have an internet party??

Looks vaguely familiar

I walked into my chiropractor's office yesterday, and noticed the dollhouse looked like there had been a raging party there over the weekend. See for yourself!

Need a good laugh?

If, for whatever reason, those Google results didn't make you laugh, go check out Karla, over at KarlaBabble. Pretty much everything she writes sends me into a fit of hysterical laughter, causing anyone nearby to stop and stare, wondering what kind of drugs I'm on (and why am I not sharing?). Go. Laugh. Enjoy.

One more reason I'm a little in love with the Google Guys

Go to Google. Type "failure" into the search box. Click "I'm feeling Lucky". PRICELESS! Found at Cursing Mama's!

This is a PSA

Here is your PSA for the week. If you wanna be a "cowboy", or even just want to look the part, you have to remember one rule. Black felt hats are for fall and winter, straw hats are for spring and summer. So, if you're wearing a straw hat in December, or a felt hat in April, you look like an idiot. Just so you know. I'm not sure this applies to females, but it definitely applies to guys. Take notes... it's not that hard.


To answer Breezy's question, yes... I wear cowboy hats. I bought this hat today, actually. The Yankee in me cringed, but the Texan in me is overjoyed. I will be wearing it to Country Stampede and asking Toby Keith to sign it (even though it's not one of his hats... I can't find those anywhere) during the meet and greet. So. EXCITED... June can't get here fast enough!! And no... I don't smile in pictures most of the time.

Happy Sunday

For those of you who celebrate Easter, either in the traditional Christian sense, or the commercial American sense, Happy Easter. Otherwise, happy Sunday. Either way, I hope everyone is enjoying their day. We're having the best weather this week, I'm so much happier when it's nice out!! This realization prompted N to declare we are retiring to the islands, in order to preserve my good mood. Ok, fair enough, only 13 more years... or so. Of course, the nice weather also makes me want to slack... I haven't taken spring photos of the kids yet, the house is a mess, and I really don't care. That stuff can wait for a rainy day...

So, yeah, like I said, we went out to the bars in Aggieville, whish is where all the Kstates hang out... but ot's a holday weekend, so it wasnt as packed as iusual. Still there were a ton o f gay men, a surprisingely high nmber compared to most weekeds. WEird. Anyway, much corona was consimed by me... much fun was had by all, an i'm having troble seeng the screen so I'm gonna end this GDF post on that note. happy weekenf!!!!

It's GET DRUNK FRIDAY!!!

Woo!! This is a good, because I could use a drink or 5 tonight. As soon as the kids are in bed, the festivities shall begin. Don't forget to say "Hi!!" to Rock Bitch

The new holes...

I went with a curved barbell, I thought 2 hoops would look dumb. So, the piercing is done, and I'm IN LOVE! It was a lot more like getting my ears pierced than the other piercings I've had, I'm in little pain, I'm hoping it will heal easily. there is risk of swelling, and a black eye, but so far so good.


Now, let's talk body mod. I always assumed it was customary to tip your artist, just as you'd tip the manicurist, hairdresser, and even the gy who opens your overpriced beers at the bar. When I tipped John (who is the BEST piercer I've had yet, BY FAR!!! I doubt I'll allow anyone else to pierce me, should I get the urge to do it again, because he's FABULOUS!) tonight, he seemed shocked, and I asked if it was uncommon to recieve a tip. Surprisingly enough, he and another employee both said it was. Listen... these people are ARTISTS. While body mod can be expensive at times, they have to pay out a lot of money to do your artwork. What makes your hairdresser any more deserving of a tip than a body mod artist?? I've worked in service industries (waiting tables, bartending, etc), so I'm big on tipping anyway, but to not tip your piercer or tat artist is retarded. I tip them better than most (25-30% vs 18-20%), because what they are doing is permanent, and I appreciate them taking the time to do their best, make sure I heal properly, and deal with any neurotic questions I may have. I mean, really... I'm dumbfounded. Since friends of our own a shop in TX, I asked N if it was common for people to not tip, and even he was surprised to hear that... I mean everyone gets stiffed from time to time, but it's just a custom to tip!! WTF?? Any thoughts from artists or people into body mod?

**sidenote** I think I'm going to take Glenda's advice, and have a second one put in once this one heals. I don't want my face to well up like a balloon, so it's one at a time, but I think it'll look cool!!

Vote time!!

Ok, I'm taking votes on a new piercing, and you can vote "left" or "right" (and we're not talking politics here!!), but you may not vote "Don't do it!". I'm going to get my eyebrow pierced this weekend, now, my lip ring is on the left side. My first thought was pierce the right eyebrow, to balance it out, however, a friend said "No, do the left, like good and evil sides..." Hmmm, am I that evil? Ah, I digress... I do have a scar on my left eyebrow that the piercing would cover. Nate initially said "Right", then decided he needed to think about it. What say ye? Remember, if you say "Don't do it!!" I'm coming to your site and kicking your virtual butt!! *wink*

Idiot of the Week 4/10/06-4/16/06

I'm not even going to take nominations for IotW this week, I've already found my winners. A Missouri couple claimed to be having sextuplets, in order to recieve gifts and money. It was all a hoax, which was figured out after no hospitals reported delivering the 6 babies on 8 March 2006 as the parents claimed. These people must be some special kind of stupid, because sextuplets are so rare, involve fertility treatments (how someone didn't figure that out beforehand is beyond me... "Hey, wait a minute, who implanted those embryos? Hmmmm, something isn't adding up here!"), and get LOTS of attention. After all, Google "sextuplets", and the few families in the world with them have websites dedicated to keeping us informed on their progress, even into adulthood. Did these people REALLY think they would pull this one off?? When asked for a comment after confessing to the fraud, the "mother" declined, saying she didn't want to say anything to anyone, because "...nobody get's it". Well, darlin', you're right! We don't understand how stupid, and selfish you are. However, here is your reward, you and your husband are the Idiots of the Week!!

Early death wish Wake-up call

I'm not a morning person, and even y'all know that! Anyway, this morning my phone rings... it goes *something* like this...

**cue Gold Digger, my default ringtone telling me it's not someone I have saved in my phone, ID says caller "Unknown"**
Me: Hello? (silently wishing death on person calling)
Caller: Hey
Me: (recognizing voice of friend, calling from office phone) Um, what's up??
Caller: Are you making breakfast?
Me: Uh... no, I'm laying in bed
Caller: N said you'd be making breakfast, so I can come over and eat.
Me: Hahahaha... Oh, you're serious? No really, have we met? I don't get up until 9.
Caller: Where's N?
Me: (fully opening eyes) Not in bed... hang on, I'll find him.
Caller: So you're not making breakfast? N said you would be.
Me: No, I don't eat breakfast, unless he meant it as a euphemism for morning sex, and I'm too mean in the morning to do that either. Oh shit, N is making breakfast... WTF?!
Caller: What's he making?
Me: Eggs, and biscuits, are you really coming over to eat? (should note that friend lives about 25 minutes away, and wouldn't be able to go home to eat after PT)
Caller: Yeah, I'll be over in a few... let me talk to N.

Hand phone to N, with patented death glare.

Now, when he showed up I was all "Hi, have we met?? I'm Crystal, and I'm NOT a morning person. You're lucky I like you!!" (Sidenote: He and N are like brothers separated at birth, if I didn't know better I'd SWEAR they were related, so he can get away with more than most people.)
At this point he informs me I'm supposed to be up at 7:30am making breakfast, so he can eat at 7:45. After I stop laughing hysterically, catch my breath, and finish my cigarette I explain to him that he's more than welcome to eat at my house anytime, but I don't do mornings, and if he wants MY cooking he'd best bring his ass to dinner. Dinner I can do, and do well, but waking me up requires safety gear and bribes.

Making breakfast at 7:30... hahahahahahaha.... that shit never gets old. Had it been almost anyone else they would have become breakfast rather than eaten here. You want me to get up and cook in the morning, you'd better offer something more than just gracing me with your presence... Starbucks is a good start.

An ACCURATE fairy tale

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little
girls...


Once upon a time, in a land far away... a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin' think so!

On a lighter note...

The quote of the weekend was "Where the FUCK is the doorknob!?" "Uh, it's on the OTHER side of the door."
The close second was "Let me get a double, that's TWO TIMES, VENTI... with an *I*... caramel macchiaTO!" Nate made our Sunday morning caffiene run, so we're all deciding what we want and we all decided on macchiatos, that is actually how he ordered them!

Weekend Recap: Adrenaline Overload

How could I forget to write about Saturday?! It was definitely more interesting (although somewhat terrifying) that the Drunken Friday. You see, Chris and Paul (see previous post) are skydivers, and that's something N has wanted to do FOR. EV. ER. So, we booked his first jump for Saturday afternoon, out at Skydive KS, which is an awesome place with great people, if you're in the area and want to jump. It's a little over an hour drive, and so Paul and his 2 year old daughter rode with us to the site. Chris happened to be doing his 100th jump that day, which meant he was jumping NAKED for that one. (Don't worry, he landed where the kids couldn't see, but it was still funny as hell) So... we hang out there for a few hours, N does all of the stuff to prep for his first jump, while the kids all run around, and the rest of us are just hanging out. (No... they have NOT convinced me to skydive yet, and I doubt they ever will). N jumps, has a great time, I videoed from the ground and will share that if I can figure out how to transfer from our camera to the damn computer! It's getting late, we've got 3 hungry and tired kids, time to head back home. Well, pit stop at McDonald's and we're on the highway, running into some traffic. I'm driving, and all of a sudden there is this guy right on my bumper, while we're doing 80 on the freaking interstate. I can't go anywhere, because of traffic, so I just cursed a little, prompting the guys to turn around and see how close this dude was. Dude (hereafter referred to as CrazyRedneckGuy, or CRG) has a serious case of road rage, and is so close that we can't even see the hood of his truck behind us, only the dashboard. He cuts over into the right lane, pulls up beside us, and kind of nudges over, as if he was going to run us off the road. He pulled away, and got in front of me. Whatever, have a great night, CRG... it's not that important. N is getting his phone to call 911, and report the road rage. Well, I guess he decided it was, because suddenly he switches lanes again, and gets beside us again, AND PULLS A FUCKING GUN. I didn't see the gun (thank GOD, because I seriously might have passed out), since I was trying to not wreck the car, but N and P both did. CRG not only pulled the gun off his dash and aimed it at us, but he cocked the slide back with his finger on the trigger! HOLY SHIT!!! So, N is waiting on 911 to pick up, and tells me to slow down, because the guy has a gun, sending me into freak-out Mommy-mode. We're reporting to the dispatcher, and see him take an exit. Well, CRG took the exit, STOPPED, and waited for us to pass, then started chasing us. Thankfully, there happened to be a Sheriff sitting there listening to the call, and saw us pass, then saw CRG get on the highway to chase us. The Sheriff attempts to pull him over, and the guy runs. At that point, we pull off the highway to await the dispatcher's instructions, in case they want us to write statements. They tell us to go to a gas station at the next exit, and the police will meet us there to take our statements, because they had the guy in custody. He was close enough to us when he pulled the gun that N told the cop exactly what kind of gun it was, to a T, and was right. The Sheriff that came to take our statements saw that we had 3 small children in the car, and was furious that CRG had the nerve to not only pull a gun on the highway, but point it at a vehicle carrying small kids. He assured us he was charging CRG with everything he possibly could, attempted aggrivated battery, brandishing a firearm, etc. So, I hope it was worth it to CRG, because I'm certain he didn't make it to where ever he was heading in such a hurry that night, and jail cells aren't much fun. Now, here's the worst part. It's still not legal to carry a concealed weapon in KS, although that chages this month. It IS legal to carry one in TX, which is why you REALLY don't want to mess with Texans, because that granny you just cut off on I-35 may shoot your ass. Still, in the combined 10 years N and I had lived in TX, neither of us had any run in with that kind of road rage. N grew up near Indianapolis, I grew up near Philly, and P is from San Diego, and NONE of us had ever had that happen before, even in the worst parts of the cities we've been to. I don't know if it's the meth labs out here in the midwest, or what, but that is some CRAZY shit, I can't imagine the thought process behind something like that. Luckily, he didn't fire at us, or run us off the road, and the police did get him, but it really makes you wonder how crazy this world is. We all hugged our babies a little tighter when we got home, and it made one hell of a party story later that night.

Wait!! Not ready!!

Over here at the Insanity household it is not uncommon to procrastinate, often leaving us scrambling to pull whatever the task at hand happens to be. The current "project" that has been put off for way too long now? Easter eggs and baskets. Holy crap, Easter is next weekend. I'm not even CLOSE to prepared!! As a matter of fact I haven't even dug out the Easter decorations!! Shit... I wonder the Easter Bunny takes checks.

Some pictures from Get Drunk Friday

Here are some pictures since my drunken audio blog sucked... these are in no particular order of intoxication.

Nate early in the night


Tasha


Our wonderful host, Paul, and me. (Most of the drinking was at his house, although we did decide to stumble downtown to the bar at one point)


My love and me


N acting crazy, I'm feeling no pain at this point.


Joey


Our other wonderful host, Chris

The drunken posting

This was done in the early stages of the drunken debauchery, and I had intended on posting again, but quickly forgot how once a few more Liquid Cocaine and Jagermeister shots were imbibed. Hmmm... this GDF thing might take some practice.

Get Drunk Friday

The Rock Bitch has started Get Drunk Friday, and this is one "theme" I'm happy to join in on. The rules?
Get drunk, on Friday, and blog. Easy enough?? Well, leave me a comment or trackback if you participate, and don't forget to go tell Rock Bitch you said "Hi", no matter how slurred it may come out. Feel free to steal the button, it came from RB herself. I'll be getting drunk and audio blogging, for a special treat. I'll post pictures, if the people we're hanging out with give me the ok.

Swiffer Amazing Woman update

Grace made it to the semi-finals, but didn't make the top 10. :( I was so heartbroken, because she TOTALLY deserves to be in there!!! She, of course, took it gracefully (no pun intended), but I was all "BUT HALF THOSE PEOPLE ARE JUST AVERAGE PEOPLE!!!" And we all know Grace is ANYTHING but average!!! So... congrats to the finalists, and go over and tell Grace how she got ROBBED on that one, because she's TOTALLY amazing!

Idiot of the Week 4/3-4/9/2006

Subtitled: It's only Wednesday, and we have a winner already!!

MajorDad (See?? We actually DO agree on stuff from time to time!!) nominated Cynthia McKinney, a Congresswoman from GA for Idiot of the Week, and I think we have ourselves a winner!! Here's the Cliff Notes version of the story. Ms. McKinney is a black Congresswoman from GA. She apparently thinks every Capitol Police officer should know who she is, because, you know... there are only a COUPLE people in Washington, DC at any given time. So, in true DIVA form, she shows up late, without her lapel pin indicating she is a Congresswoman, and therefore allowed to bypass the security checkpoints. A Capitol Police officer stopped her (HIS JOB!) because of the circumstances, and she assaulted him. (She alleges he assaulted her first... time will tell, I'm sure there are security videos) She then holds a press conference with a couple of black celebs at a traditionally black college, saying this was a racial profiling thing, and it only happened because she's a black Congresswoman, etc. Charges may follow, we'll have to wait and see.

Ok, Ms. McKinney, let's chat. You see, the Capitol Police are there to PROTECT CONGRESS (that includes you, so show a little gratitude). They don't have the time or NEED to memorize everyone's face, that's why they give you the nice little pin for your lapel, which you admittedly were not wearing. I'm sure there are other ways to ID yourself as a Congresswoman (hell, I'm just an Army wife, and I have a DoD ID I have to show all the damn time) so the LOGICAL and NORMAL thing to do would be to IDENTIFY yourself in a calm fashion, rather than rush the checkpoint like you owned the place. When the officer DID HIS JOB, and stopped you, you could have CALMLY explained and identified yourself, and it would have been easy as pie. Instead, you chose to assault an officer of the law, which would have gotten most of us arrested on the spot, so I can't believe you are trying to claim you were treated unfairly because of your race. Are you a little slow or something?? Almost 5 years ago our nation was attacked by terrorists, and DC was one of the targets. Be grateful someone is always looking out for YOUR safety. Oh, and I don't know why you were running late, but it certainly wasn't because you were doing your hair. If you are a representative of your people, the least you could do is look presentable, rather than looking like a crackhead who just came down off a binge with Whitney and Bobby.

In case anyone thinks I'm being a little harsh here, this woman has a record of DIVA actions. She actually demanded an apology from Clinton's administration in 1998 after being stopped by White House guards. She's a total idiot. The NAACP and NOW both spoke on her behalf in this recent incident, I've lost what little respect I had for both of those organizations now. You might be thinking "But you're a woman?? How can you not support NOW?" Well, I think if you want to play in a man's world, you'd better act like a man, be it female soldiers, female cops, female Congressmen, or any other woman in a male dominated field. If you can't hang with the big dogs, stay on the porch. NOW enables these women to whine and bitch about unfair treatment, when in reality they want SPECIAL treatment just because they are women, and that's bullshit.

So, a big hat tip to MD on this one, you found the winner!!

Head start on IotW this week

Our first couple of nominees are in, thanks to Snopes.com Daily Snopes.
First up we have a nudist who got burned after trying to light a spider on fire. Dude... you're naked. Maybe you shouldn't play with fire while your balls are swinging in the wind. Just a thought!! And while I respect your right to be a nudist, I can't understand the thinking behind it. Balls are not pretty. Ever.

The second nominee is a woman who clearly NEEDED to be in the anger management class she lost her shit at. "Hi, this is the real world calling. It's generally not ok for adults to throw tantrums like that. Perhaps you should look into some medication, heavy sedatives might be a start." Threatening to pop a cap in someone's ass for asking if a seat is taken is just crazy. It says in the article she doesn't have any mental illness, just a behavior problem. No, REALLY??

So, it's looking like a good week for our little "contest". Any more idiots in the news? You know what to do.

Meme Monday: Sex Chronicles

This was stolen from Ammie, and out of all the memes today, this was the most interesting... LOL I guess my mind is just in the gutter!! Anyway, if you are related to me, or easily offended, you might want to look away... don't say you weren't warned.

1. How old were you the first time? Um, do I have to be honest? 15

2. Name of your first? Bill

3. Good or Bad? Horrible. We had dated for like 6 months, finally did the deed, and his Catholic guilt got the best of him, he cried. Um, wow... that was not good at all. Besides, we were both virgins, how good could it possibly be??

4. Name of the worst and why? Hmmm... I'd better not name names. I will say he really just had no idea what he was doing, and was experienced enough that he should have. *wink* If you know me well enough, ask me sometime, and I'll spill the beans, just not here.

5. Name of the Best and why? Like Ammie, I'm going to say my husband (and not just because he reads this!!). That boy is good... he's got some talent. ;)

6. Weirdest place you ever had sex? Weirdest? In a car, while he was driving. Probably not so much weird as DANGEROUS!

7. Favorite position? Haha, not telling

8. Ever fake an Orgasm? Yes

9. Would you admit it if the person asked? I've admitted it even when they didn't ask... but not always.

10. Favorite time of day to have sex? Late night

11. Most times you have had sex in one day? 6 or 7 haha!!

12. Same person? Come on now, what kind of question is that? And if it wasn't would I admit that?? But yes, it was.

13. Ever fantasize about someone other than the one your with? Sure, sometimes, but not WHILE I'm with him. I'm married, not DEAD.

14. Restrictions during sex? (I'm leaving Ammie's original answer here, because I couldn't have said it better myself!!) Do you mean restraints? Because I like restraints. If you mean limits to what is allowed–very few.

15. Accessories? They have their own drawer... that's all I'll say about that.

16. What? I'll never tell!! That's priviledged information. ;)

17. Done it in the rain? Yep.

18. Done it in a car? See number 6

19. Had a Threesome? I'll never tell!

20. Want to have sex now? Not RIGHT now... haha!!

Aren't you glad you now know more about me than you ever wanted to? Hey, get over it... we all have sex, who cares??

If you steal it give me a trackback so I know to come find you.

Idiot of the Week 3/27-4/2/2006 AND Idiot of the Month for March

Well, laziness (ok, and some Corona) prevented me from searching any more for IotW nominees, so the winner is the dumbass who landed the plane at the wrong airport. MD pointed out (and N confirmed) that this actually happened at Ft. Hood, someone landed a commuter plane on Hood Army Airfield by accident (obviously this was pre-9/11). How this can possibly occur is still beyond me, I mena I'm not a pilot, but don't you have to get clearance to land?? You can't just drop a plan out of the sky any old place you feel like it (barring emergencies). *sigh*

The winner of Idiot of the Month goes to... the guy who left his baby in the car and got on a commuter train. I need to work harder at this IotW thing, because going back LatteMan has given me most of my nominees, and I'm sure I'm missing out on lots of stupidity every day. In the meantime, is anyone other than LatteMan paying attention? There are lots of idiots, people! I can't keep up with all of them! Email or comment with anything you find that is particularly award-worthy!