I guess a new title is in the near future

So, I'm preparing to leave Oz, hopefully for good. Yesterday I turned 26, and celebrated by having lunch at the kids' school, and signing them out early so we could hang out. The ex and I argued all day via text, but I was very surprised when he attempted to make lunch plans together. The kids and I had a great time, they were so excited to show me their school, and introduce me to people there. We had a blast at the park, and I was really determined to not let anything ruin my day. When we got home, it finally got to me... he was just ignoring me and staying out of my way by that point, and as angry as I was, that hurt. I guess I just really wanted him to still be my friend, to wish me well, to acknowledge me.

I got that wish when I broke down in tears, and it came with a hug, and some conversation. I've never felt so desperate for something as I did that moment, just an overwhelming need to be held, to be close to someone. I got my wish, we hung out through out the evening, and I actually felt ok sleeping in the same bed again. I can honestly say I was mentally begging him to touch me, just put his arm around me, all night, but when I went to bed, I had given that thought up. Surprised again, he did reach over, for the first time in weeks, to pull me closer to him. It felt like a drink of water in the desert... and we all know where this is going. Honestly, we both hesitated, although my hesitation was clouded by my mind screaming "Please touch me!!!" That's pathetic, I know, but true nonetheless.

So, I went into it, even in the moment, knowing it didn't change anything, and I thought I was ok with that. But when I was thinking that, it was on the grand scale, like this doesn't mean we are getting back together, or even that I want to, and that's fine. I took it as we can at least enjoy whatever is left, and this will make things a little LOT less miserable while I'm still here. I mean, given the choice between sharing the same space and being so miserable I want to kill myself, or sharing the same space and enjoying each other's company, it's a no-brainer, right?

Wrong. I didn't realize how different I was seeing it. I took that intimacy to be an olive branch, and to indicate we would be able to be affectionate with each other in the last days of our time together. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean it to be, but we are going to live half a country apart, and will probably never really talk again after I leave. So... I thought maybe this meant we would make the most of it. I feel like I'm dying every time he's near me, and I can't lay my head on his lap, or have him kiss my forehead. The little things that I wanted more of, but didn't appreciate in the first place. Now, he hasn't done anything wrong, really... He hasn't made me feel like he just wanted to get off, and I was there. He hasn't been cold, or mean, or anything like it was for the past couple of weeks. He just hasn't been the snuggly, cuddly person he was 24 hours ago either. I'm a fucking idiot for thinking anything otherwise though, because that really isn't how our relationship was to begin with, and it's a major part of why we broke up... I needed more of the touchy-feely stuff than he did. I actually don't know how he would act right now if I made the first move, and sat next to him, but I haven't because he has been playing a new game he's really excited about. But when I went and rented that game for him today, I also picked up movies, hoping maybe we could watch one together, and that's not happening.

I was really foolish to think things would be great today, as if sex changed it at all. I'm even more foolish because I *really* want to do it again, for both the sexual satisfaction and the closeness of the act. Because even though I know it's a bad idea, after 2 weeks of total iciness to each other, I'm going insane. It's not the same to snuggle with someone else, and I completely shut down at the thought of anyone else in bed, so I totally understand why so many couple have sex after the break up. I'm just surprised I've let it get to me, that's I can't seem to shake off the hurt of the break-up. I went through this with Brian, and the feelings are so similar that I feel nauseous... it took me 2 years to stop feeling that way about him. The ironic part is those feelings for Bri lasted through another long relationship, and didn't dissipate until I started dating Jeremy. I saw Brian a week or so ago, and it was the first time I had seen him since I started dating J, and also the first time I had absolutely NO desire to be with him. Too bad I might face another year or two battling off the residuals of this relationship now.

All said, I just want him to hold me... It calms me like nothing else I can find, and there have been hours at a stretch where I have sobbed, and repeated that statement like a mantra. Whispering to myself, begging him to just put his arms around me. I haven't really dealt with the fact that he doesn't want to anymore. That he doesn't want me anymore. I just don't know how.

Well, so I thought...

I honestly thought I had hit a low when writing my last post, but things just keep getting worse!! He dumped me, and the honest truth is, all I wanted was affection. So, instead of giving me affection, he decided he couldn't meet my needs, and the best way to handle it was to dump me. Really, our entire relationship played out in times of high stress, and we probably didn't have a chance because of it. But... we had agreed when we started dating that we would walk away friends, no matter what. When I had tried to call it off (and to cancel our trip to Alpine because I didn't think I could afford to go if I had to find a place to live on my own) he kept telling me I wasn't keeping my word of remaining friends. Now it's him who is saying "Fuck you" to that idea.

Let me give credit where credit is due... he hasn't thrown me and the kids out on the street. He has, however, made my life so miserable that it's a battle to make it through each day. I could move back to Junction to live with my best friend, but I don't want to change the kids' school only to change it again when we move out of state, which I am hoping is very soon. The few friends who know what's going on have all said I should just move out now, because changing schools may suck, but me being so depressed and angry is definitely worse for them. I tend to agree, but this whole situation sucks, and it will suck no matter what I decide. I'm selling pretty much all of my earthly belongings, because I can only take what I can fit in my truck, with 2 kids, a dog and a cat, since it doesn't have a tow hitch. That is supremely depressing, because after nearly 10 years on my own, I have acquired some nice things, and will have to start all over again. The plus side is I will be able to store the stuff I can't part with, but can't take, at Miah's, until (god knows when) I can come back and get it.

I've put in the SOS calls to all the appropriate people, my ex-husband is asking his parents for help, my grandmother is giving me whatever help she can, and Miah has gone so far above and beyond the call of duty that I would nominate him for sainthood if I could. I'm lucky enough to have a few people in this world who love me and my children unconditionally, but I don't know if that is going to be enough.

There is more going on, but that's the big stuff. Don't get me wrong, I made my mistakes in the relationship, and there were a lot of outside factors that really hurt us, but the bottom line is I fell for him, he didn't feel the same, and yet he let me totally screw myself and the kids by calling it quits right after we moved in, and went on vacation together. This has absolutely been the worst month of my entire life, and that's including a very difficult divorce and custody battle. Happy fucking birthday to me.