Cleanup on aisle 7

***Please skip this post if you are eating, or are easily grossed out. We here at Insanity cannot be held responsible for any adverse reactions while reading this post**

I'm not sure I ever covered this topic on this site, though it was discussed at one of the Genuine Bashes, so this alone should be incentive enough to attend the next one. You just never know where the conversations will go. In June 2004 Nate had seen this adorable puppy at the police animal control, and since we'd gone back and forth on getting a dog we finally decided this was the one. A cute little pit bull pup, he was about 10 weeks old when we brought him home. We moved out to our current house, and N was working for an ambulance service, 24 on and 48 off. We were having some trouble getting Peanut trained, and couldn't afford training classes, but since N had Boxers with his ex-wife and had trained them himself, I figured he could handle it. Honestly, I'm not much of a dog person anymore, especially a puppy, because they require lots of time and attention, and I've got enough on my plate. The deal was N would train Peanut to act like a respectable inside dog, no pooping on the floors, no chewing furniture or belongings, normal stuff. Well, Peanut had different ideas, and we were getting frustrated. We started doing a canine version of attachment parenting, except it was literally attachment as the puppy was to be on a leash and by our sides at all times. We were using crate training while we were out of the house, and seemed to be making a bit of progress with this hard-headed dog. Remember, I'm not too enthused about training him, and am getting annoyed that I have to drag him around during N's 24 hour shifts. After a couple weeks, I start to notice an odd occurrence. The Pink collection had just hit Victoria's Secret stores, and panties were 5 for $20, so I bought 10 pairs. I bought them because I was running a bit low on undergarments, but I just chalked that up to the dryer monster or whatever. About a month after I had gone shopping, I was missing a few more of the new pairs, and starting to get curious. I bought 5 more, and started paying attention. One day while N was at work, I got out of the shower and saw Peanut run out of the bathroom. I chased him and caught up with him just as the last bit of fabric went into his mouth. Busted, the little bastard has been eating my thongs! We bought a hanging hamper, but no matter what we tried he would still manage to sneak a snack out of my laundry. I bought 10 more pairs, so now we're up to $100 in panties in a few months, and I'm getting pissed. The obvious question is where are they going? Mind you, he'd swallow them whole, often so quickly that no one would notice. We started looking around in the yard one day, and sure enough my property was littered with digested underwear. Since we live on an acre, we weren't very diligent about scooping poop, and over time the poop disinigrated leaving a dried up pair of underwear in it's place. Nice huh? You can bet that was a fun scavenger hunt. Oh, and one day while I was at work, N called me and said "I found your black panties, Peanut just threw them up. What do you want me to do with them?" Only a man would ask that... I wanted them to go in the trash, of course. Well, to shorten the story a bit, we finally had enough between the panties and a few other costly disasters, and we gave Peanut away to a nice woman who had more time and space to care for him. It's been about 6 months since we gave him away, but since it's spring we've been doing some maintenance outside. Nate cut down some overgrown areas on the edges of our property, and I went out to rake the trimmings. What did I find? Another old, digested thong. I picked it up with the rake, and threw it one of the burn piles, joking with Nate about that damn dog and his fetish, and he tells me he found another pair on the other side. We'll be moving this summer, but I have to wonder what the next tenants will think should they find any more. On the other hand, one must be impressed by the craftsmanship of VS... now that's durability.