I guess a new title is in the near future

So, I'm preparing to leave Oz, hopefully for good. Yesterday I turned 26, and celebrated by having lunch at the kids' school, and signing them out early so we could hang out. The ex and I argued all day via text, but I was very surprised when he attempted to make lunch plans together. The kids and I had a great time, they were so excited to show me their school, and introduce me to people there. We had a blast at the park, and I was really determined to not let anything ruin my day. When we got home, it finally got to me... he was just ignoring me and staying out of my way by that point, and as angry as I was, that hurt. I guess I just really wanted him to still be my friend, to wish me well, to acknowledge me.

I got that wish when I broke down in tears, and it came with a hug, and some conversation. I've never felt so desperate for something as I did that moment, just an overwhelming need to be held, to be close to someone. I got my wish, we hung out through out the evening, and I actually felt ok sleeping in the same bed again. I can honestly say I was mentally begging him to touch me, just put his arm around me, all night, but when I went to bed, I had given that thought up. Surprised again, he did reach over, for the first time in weeks, to pull me closer to him. It felt like a drink of water in the desert... and we all know where this is going. Honestly, we both hesitated, although my hesitation was clouded by my mind screaming "Please touch me!!!" That's pathetic, I know, but true nonetheless.

So, I went into it, even in the moment, knowing it didn't change anything, and I thought I was ok with that. But when I was thinking that, it was on the grand scale, like this doesn't mean we are getting back together, or even that I want to, and that's fine. I took it as we can at least enjoy whatever is left, and this will make things a little LOT less miserable while I'm still here. I mean, given the choice between sharing the same space and being so miserable I want to kill myself, or sharing the same space and enjoying each other's company, it's a no-brainer, right?

Wrong. I didn't realize how different I was seeing it. I took that intimacy to be an olive branch, and to indicate we would be able to be affectionate with each other in the last days of our time together. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean it to be, but we are going to live half a country apart, and will probably never really talk again after I leave. So... I thought maybe this meant we would make the most of it. I feel like I'm dying every time he's near me, and I can't lay my head on his lap, or have him kiss my forehead. The little things that I wanted more of, but didn't appreciate in the first place. Now, he hasn't done anything wrong, really... He hasn't made me feel like he just wanted to get off, and I was there. He hasn't been cold, or mean, or anything like it was for the past couple of weeks. He just hasn't been the snuggly, cuddly person he was 24 hours ago either. I'm a fucking idiot for thinking anything otherwise though, because that really isn't how our relationship was to begin with, and it's a major part of why we broke up... I needed more of the touchy-feely stuff than he did. I actually don't know how he would act right now if I made the first move, and sat next to him, but I haven't because he has been playing a new game he's really excited about. But when I went and rented that game for him today, I also picked up movies, hoping maybe we could watch one together, and that's not happening.

I was really foolish to think things would be great today, as if sex changed it at all. I'm even more foolish because I *really* want to do it again, for both the sexual satisfaction and the closeness of the act. Because even though I know it's a bad idea, after 2 weeks of total iciness to each other, I'm going insane. It's not the same to snuggle with someone else, and I completely shut down at the thought of anyone else in bed, so I totally understand why so many couple have sex after the break up. I'm just surprised I've let it get to me, that's I can't seem to shake off the hurt of the break-up. I went through this with Brian, and the feelings are so similar that I feel nauseous... it took me 2 years to stop feeling that way about him. The ironic part is those feelings for Bri lasted through another long relationship, and didn't dissipate until I started dating Jeremy. I saw Brian a week or so ago, and it was the first time I had seen him since I started dating J, and also the first time I had absolutely NO desire to be with him. Too bad I might face another year or two battling off the residuals of this relationship now.

All said, I just want him to hold me... It calms me like nothing else I can find, and there have been hours at a stretch where I have sobbed, and repeated that statement like a mantra. Whispering to myself, begging him to just put his arms around me. I haven't really dealt with the fact that he doesn't want to anymore. That he doesn't want me anymore. I just don't know how.